Sideshow | 'X-rated' vid kids can enjoy

"I'm so amused. It's so funny. Oh, my gosh. I've gotten like 100 calls on it saying it's so hilarious."

Not the response you expect from someone whose "X-rated" sex tape has been leaked online.

Then again, Eva Longoria, who shared her mirth yesterday on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show, is no ordinary woman. And her purported home movie, rumors of which have been burning up the 'Net for days, is no ordinary sex tape. For one thing, there's no sex in it.

The vid, which was shot back in '04 in a faux night-vision style, was posted yesterday on Will Ferrell's "Funny or Die" Web site (www.funnyordie.com). Eva said it stars performance artist Perry Hilton, "who does everything that Paris Hilton does," including getting busted for DUI and making the video. The PG-rated flick shows Eva in her nightgown doing hot things with Perry, like having a pillow fight, playing airplane, eating what look like awesome burritos, reading, and even chatting.

Why did America's fave troubled Mouseketeer,

Britney Spears

, lose custody of her two boys,

Sean Preston

and

Jayden James

, to their pa,

Kevin Federline

, until further notice?

(Brit, who was given more than a day to get the kids ready for Kev, gave them up right away and proceeded to a tanning salon.)

Superior Court Commissioner Scott M. Gordon in Lalaland divulged nary a thing Monday after a closed session in court.

So yesterday, Spears' attorney, Sorrell Trope, obliged. He told People mag that Brit failed to comply with Gordon's order to produce a valid California driver's license by Monday, and that K-Fed's lawyer has complained that Brit missed a drug and alcohol test. The license issue is part of a set of concerns K-Fed has expressed about what he says are Brit's dangerous driving habits. Brit's record is not good: In August, accused of crashing into a parked car, she was charged with hit-and-run and driving without a valid license. Ugly thing is, she was driving with one of her sons in the car.

He's got a beautiful wife and new baby girl. So why is

Ben Affleck

mouthing off about

Jennifer Lopez

to Details mag? To feed the

Gossip Beast

, baby: It must have new content, no matter how old or stupid.

Ben said the passion play that was his noble, self-sacrificial, Christ-like romance with J.Lo "was probably bad for my career."

A well-read lad, Ben used big words to deconstruct the tabloids' threat to his image.

"The tabloids and Internet," Ben said, have the power to "really subsume the public image of somebody." (Subsume. Nice!)

The Media (also known as Shaytan), Ben said, "mostly lied and inflated a bunch of salacious stuff for the sake of selling magazines." (Yum! Sa-la-cious . . .)

"I paid a certain price for that," said big Ben, perhaps forgetting one lil' part of the dialectical play of forces that conspire to constitute celebrity: He's a willing participant.

Andrew Firestone

is engaged - again.

But alas, the luckiest lass under the stars is (still) not Jen Schefft. Andrew has chosen to mate with smokin' Belgrade-born model and minor thesp (Wedding Crashers, National Lampoon's Van Wilder), Ivana Bozilovic, 30.

A coquettish - if not downright capricious - 32-year-old California wine-dynasty heir, F'stone became a micro-celeb in '03 when he won and later broke Jen's - and America's - heart on ABC's The Bachelor. Some of us can't find it in our hearts to forgive him.

Variety reports that the latest series from the sultan of all things

Law & Order

,

Dick Wolf

, will be a special-effects heavy,

300

-esque visual feast based on

Max Allan Collins

' graphic novel,

Road to Perdition

.

Disturbia director D.J. Caruso will helm the pilot, which will have Perdition character Johnny Dynamite travel to Vegas in search of his missing gf only to discover that Satan himself is living in Sin City (natch).

"It's kind of a twisted procedural, but it's also sort of like Highway to Heaven on acid," an unnamed source tells Variety.

Brit lovely

Jane Seymour

had to miss last night's episode of

Dancing With the Stars

because she was with her family in England after the death of her mother,

Mieke Frankenberg

, at age 92.

"Her spirit was indomitable and will continue to live forever in our hearts," Seymour said. Her rep said the actress is not sure if she'll be back for next week's episode.

Fox29 will start a 6 p.m. weekend newscast, beginning Saturday. The cleverly named

Fox29 News at Six

will be anchored by

Joyce Evans

and

John Atwater

, who will add the show to their 10 p.m. weekend duties.

- Michael Klein

Gwyneth Paltrow

, chef

Mario Batali

, Spanish actress

Claudia Bassols

, and New York Times food columnist

Mark Bittman

are due to embark today on a luxury culinary road trip across Spain that will be made into a 13-part PBS show,

Spain . . . On the Road Again

.

"I don't know what we are going to do, but it is going to be fun," the overeducated Paltrow said in very good Spanish in Madrid.

Presidential candidate Sen.

Barack Obama

, who is on the road campaigning, told

Tyra Banks

on Monday that his 9-year-old daughter,

Malia

, refuses to stay in Hilton hotels - because she disapproves of

Paris Hilton

.

Pamela Anderson

, who made what became a best-selling XXX home movie with her then-hubby,

Tommy Lee

, is set to wed

Rick Salomon

, - the man, the myth and the legend - who won accolades from smut fans for

his

porn film, starring his then-gf

Paris Hilton

. The avant-garde piece was shot entirely in night-vision greens and blacks.