Sideshow | Sting? This one really hurts

The music magazine Blender has assembled a list of the worst pop lyricists of all time. The list of 40 is both ecumenical and eye-opening, roping in a whole herd of the music business's most sacred cows:

Paul McCartney

,

Jon Bon Jovi

,

Common

,

Diddy

,

Alanis Morissette

and

Jim Morrison

, to name a few. (It also includes some digs at the guys who wrote

Bette Midler

's "Wind Beneath My Wings.")

But the winner (if that is the right word) is none other than Sting, whom the magazine exorciates for his "mountainous pomposity, cloying spirituality [and] ham-handed metaphors."

According to Blender, the problem began when Sting began to believe his own press. "Once publications labeled him 'the Thinking Woman's Sex Symbol,' a low-watt lightbulb popped on in his head, illuminating the way toward a self-serious future. Sting would go on to rip off Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, St. Augustine's Confessions . . . even Shakespeare.

"After the Police split, Sting pursued a second career, liberating soccer moms from their 'soul cages.' Jazz musicians were involved. A lute was purchased. Volvo bumper stickers were quoted ('If you love someone, set them free')."

If you ask us, the path to pretension began back in 1983 when Sting dubbed a Police album Synchronicity and started dropping Carl Jung's name into interviews. Sadly, there's no coming back from that.

The British press is reading tea leaves again (or, in this case, hunting gear). Fleet Street is all atwitter that

Prince William

's relationship with girlfriend

Kate Middleton

has moved to a new level of commitment. There is even speculation that an engagement announcement is forthcoming.

The proof? Photographs published over the weekend that show Kiss-me Kate on a royal stag hunt at Balmoral in Scotland, standing next to Prince Charles. (They've never been photographed together before.)

One shot shows Middleton, 25, in jeans and a camouflage jacket, lying on her stomach as she lines up her rifle for a shot, reportedly at a practice target.

The Sunday Times opined that that Middleton's "induction into the royal family appears to have stepped up a notch."

Buckingham Palace refused to comment on the trip, saying it was a private activity.

That acrid smell on the set of

One Tree Hill

in Wilmington, N.C., can only mean one thing:

Kevin Federline

is in the hizzy. The New York Daily News reports that Britney's ex is openly chain-smoking wacky tobaccy between takes on the CW series on which he has a role.

A source said Federline isn't shy about lighting up, "like it's just part of his lifestyle. He doesn't see a need to hide it at all."

He's becoming quite popular in the coastal town. One local bartender says K-Fed left a $600 tip for two beers. Dude, it's hard to tell them dead presidents apart when you're ripped.

Can we please hire

Penélope Cruz

here at The Inquirer? The lovely Spanish starlet has a history of falling for the guys she works with. In her case, that means costars like

Tom Cruise

(

Vanilla Sky

) and

Matthew McConaughey

(

Sahara

).

The New York Post reports that Cruz is currently getting cozy with Javier Bardem, her countryman and castmate in Woody Allen's upcoming (and still untitled) film. A spy spotted the two last weekend at the New York Film Festival acting "very touchy-feely. They held hands when they thought no one was watching and she kissed his cheek, and he put his arm around her."

"She just glows when she talks about him," a friend of the actress' told the Chicago Sun-Times. "He just dotes on her." Well, as Steven Stills once put it, "Love the one you're with."

In an interview in this week's Newsweek,

Paris Hilton

declares that her grueling 23-day jail stay in June profoundly changed her. "Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties - it was a fantasy," she says. "But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world."

Thus motivated, the 26-year-old hotel heiress spent the weekend as you might expect: partying with Kid Rock in Toronto. That epic hookup prompted a bulletin yesterday from the infotainment show, Extra, that despite rumors, the couple are not dating. A Hilton rep assured Extra that "she went to his show in Toronto with some friends/castmates and to the after party. They are absolutely not dating."

Wow, how disappointing. We can't help but think of the extraordinary offspring that might result if those two noble lines were to merge.

Dancing days are here again.

Led Zeppelin

, one of the last holdouts in the digital revolution, is releasing their sublime catalog online as of Nov. 13.

"We are pleased that the complete Led Zeppelin catalog will now be available digitally," guitarist Jimmy Page said in a statement yesterday. "The addition of the digital option will better enable fans to obtain our music in whichever manner that they prefer."

It does however effectively cancel WMMR's raison d'etre. With Led Zeppelin jumping on the broadband bandwagon, that leaves the Beatles as the last dinosaur still roaming the analog world.

A detailed biography of the creator of

Schulz and Peanuts

by

David Michaelis

, hitting bookstores today, has the cartoonist's family complaining.

Two of Charles Schulz's children claim the book presents a distorted portrayal of the prolific artist, rendering him as a depressed and distant figure. "We were all very deceived," said Schulz's daughter, Amy Johnson. "We never should have allowed him [Michaelis] into our homes."

Snoopy could not be reached for comment.