Unconventional Wisdom | Get-real rules for American mobsters

When cops arrested Sicily's top crime boss earlier this month, they found in his possession a document that listed the Italian Mafia's "Ten Commandments."

Sincere as the Boy Scout code, these stipulations require that mobsters must be, among other things, punctual, truthful, moral, and should never look at another Cosa Nostra man's wife.

Imagine a broken-nosed guy in a shiny suit coming down a mountain carrying two stone tablets and a Glock: I got your commandments right here!

I grew up in Brooklyn, the headquarters of the American Mafia, and I covered and interviewed John Gotti, whose henchmen once tried to kill me by forcing my car into oncoming highway traffic.

I harbor no illusions about the boys, no gossamer,

Godfather

-inspired notions about honor, loyalty and family.

These people are a paradox, though: They're the most lawless bunch east (and west) of the Pecos, but they purport to live their lives according to a strict set of Roman-Legionesque rules.

Like little boys in a backyard club with a "No girls allowed" policy scratched onto a chalkboard, these deluded sociopaths believe they are part of something important and venerable.

The commandments are a hoot. "Wives must be treated with respect," is one of them. Holy hypocrisy, Guido! Any made man without a

gumar

(mistress) is seen as a loser capon ripe for ridicule.

Another commandment includes a list of the types of people who can't be part of the Cosa Nostra, including "anyone who behaves badly and doesn't hold to moral values."

I need a ruling, Don Corleone: Is it more moral to whack a rival, or just sell heroin to his daughter?

On and on the commandments go. Problem is, they're for Sicilians, not Americans.

So, to keep things balanced, I propose Ten American Mob Commandments:

1.

Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

2.

Never sprinkle parmesan cheese on fish. I mean never.

3.

Thou shalt not kill for less than 15 grand a pop, ammunition extra.

4.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the basement freezer.

5.

What happens in Vegas better not get traced back to this family.

6.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife unless she's really hot, in which case you do what you gotta do. Then send me her e-mail address.

7.

You shall have no other godfather before me, unless stipulated by one of the five families in a ruling written in your blood.

8.

You must not give false evidence against your neighbor, unless you can plant the drugs and weapons in his trunk.

9.

Keep holy the Sabbath day by scanning for wiretaps and searching the Net for rats in the witness protection program.

10.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Wait, lemme read that one again. That's hysterical. Stop it, you're killin' me.