Philly freaks 'Idol'

Get ready, Philadelphia. It's our turn to be

American Idol

weirdos.

Our turn to produce the borderline mental patients, the lovably wacko extroverts in their over-the-top outfits, the just-in-from-the-cardboard-box down-and-out stories, the fish-out-of-water hipster rockers, the I-can't-sing-but-I'm-funny snarksters, the angry-at-Simon all-the-way-down-the-street righteous fools, the OK-voiced-young-hotties with the fun MySpace photo montages, the screechy off-keysters you think are putting you on but then get all delusionally heartbroken when they're eliminated. Want to find the true audacity of hope? This is ground zero.

Yes, tonight begins another season of American Idol (8 p.m., Fox29) - the seventh, sports fans; countless hours of your life you'll never get back - and the first audition show, usually the cruelest of them all, features two hours of Philly auditions, held at the Wachovia Center Aug. 27. Be careful what you wish for, Idol rejects. This may not be pretty. Think Wing Bowl with a rancid soundtrack.

"I'm hoping to step over that borderline and be exceptionally cruel this year," Nigel Lythgoe, the executive producer chap from Britain, said in a telephone interview, expressing absolutely no remorse for past audition shows that mocked the mentally challenged and derided the delusional.

And apparently, Philly goes first because we didn't exactly bowl over the American Idol brain trust. Maybe they're bluffing, but it looks like our Idol dreams may evaporate like so many Eagles first-and-goals. Face it. We never win at anything.

"Slightly disappointing," Lythgoe said. "We had so many people there. No ratio between the amount of people and the amount of talent. We had over 20,000, and thought, wow we're really going to find some incredible talent. When you're talking about a handful, it's really disappointing. And I don't mind the slight aggression when Simon tells them they suck, because that makes great television, but at some point . . . to stand there shouting and muttering and storming out using bad language, is ignorant actually. . . . "

Hooookay. Sounds like Philly may be a little rough.

How about Simon Cowell, was he impressed by Philly?

Somewhat enigmatically, Cowell said in a conference call with reporters last week that Philadelphia auditioners "got lucky" because it was first on the tour. "So, we were all in a good mood on the first day," he said. "So, we were more generous to people in Philadelphia than we were to people at the latter stages of the audition."

Cowell said the entire audition process is now a blur to him, and he doesn't remember much to distinguish Philly from, say, Dallas, the second stop on the tour. Thanks. Tell that to T.O.

"I can remember it being crazy," he said. "I remember coming away from Philadelphia thinking, 'Wow, that was an experience.' We also saw some good people. It certainly wasn't like Seattle." Seattle, as you may recall, distinguished itself last season for really bringing the crazy and not the talent.

Can we really resume this dysfunctional relationship with American Idol? Hadn't we sworn off after last year? Isn't one hour a week of Project Runway enough of a reality TV time-suck? This week, American Idol wants you for four hours.

Some people can't get enough. There was an insane amount of MySpace and Facebook sleuthing over the off-season in order to figure out which of the auditioners had hooked up with others online on crucial American Idol audition dates in Hollywood. But really, do you believe IdolForums.com poster Joe's Place knows the top 50? Seems most of their evidence is from MySpace chatter among Hollywood finalists, and whoever local Fox stations interviewed.

If you wanna believe, look for local Jersey rocker Avril Lavigne-y teenager Alisha Dixon of Manahawkin in the top 24 (myspace.com/alishadixon). She counts Paramour and Alanis Morissette as her influences and calls her band Same Mistake Twice. That's funny. We call tonight the start of Same Mistake Seven Times.

Besides Alisha, whom Lythgoe said he'd never heard of, spoiler rumors also mention Chris, the cool and suave and charming Dover, Del., hottie with the nice smile who won some sort of kiddie star search thing a few years back, and Kimberly, a West Philly teacher and belly dancer in a clingy white dress.

Despite some ratings sag last year, the American Idol franchise is going strong - "If we lost 50 percent of our audience, we'd still be the number-one show," Lythgoe bragged. But winners Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard recently got dropped by their record labels, as did runner-up Katharine McPhee. And the debut albums from Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis, last year's top two, have not really torn up the charts.

"We are a reality show and what happens at the end is also reality," Cowell said. "You have to take the knocks with the good things."

On the upside, Carrie Underwood and Chris Daughtry are superstars, and somewhat improbably, the newly dentured, slyly funky Elliott Yamin had a pretty good year. He had the third most popular record released by an independent label, according to Billboard and the single "Wait for You" was No. 11 on the Billboard Pop 100.

Bucky Covington released a country album that critics liked. However, when last seen, Constantine Maroulis was hosting Oneida Bingo Night in Wisconsin.

Cowell believes this year's finalists are a stronger group than last season's. Then again, Dr. Simon also told reporters he could talk sense into Britney Spears if only she would ring him up on the phone. (He put to rest any Fantasia family dynasty; her brother's audition this year was terrible, he said.)

Idol bigwigs say this year they'll focus more on the contestants and less on the mentors, which everyone seems to agree grew tiresome and cringey. (Not you, Bon Jovi!) The charity event Idol Gives Back will also be back. Other changes: Idol contestants were permitted to play instruments in Hollywood. "One played the drums and sang 'Hooked on a Feeling,' " Lythgoe said. "That was unsuccessful."

Still, the idea of Idol singers accompanying themselves raises some fascinating possibilities. Imagine, if you will, Kevin Covais on bagpipes.

To see video of the "Idol" auditions in Philadelphia, go to: http://go.philly.com/americanidolEndText