Sideshow: Visitation, not motherhood?

Does

Britney Spears

ever want her children back?

No

. Though she'd sure love to visit 'em.

In a disquieting revelation that would be, like, totally shocking if fully accurate,

Jason Alexander

tells In Touch Weekly that Brit, who lost all visitation rights with her boys five weeks ago, would love to see

Sean Preston

, 2, and 17-month-old

Jayden

, every once in a while, but that she "doesn't want to be a full-time mom."

Jason should know. As Brit's first husband - a role he played for an entire 55 hours - he has unique access to her complex psyche. Jason says he and Brit have talked regularly since

Kevin Federline

took the kids.

Jason's spilling of Brit's purported beans gets icky. He said Brit told him "it doesn't matter if she doesn't get" custody again. After all, she said "she can always have other kids later on." (Life would be so much easier if Wal-Mart had a "Returns" desk for babies, wouldn't it?)

No comment from Brit's reps.

"Love," says eros-philosopher

David Bowie

, "is careless in its choosing." Love, he says, "descends on those defenseless." Here's hoping that on this Valentine's Day, love steals upon you like a thief in the night.

Alas, all that some of us have is "love of love." And "love," Bowie says, "is not loving."

A Malibu judge yesterday congratulated

Mel Gibson

for completing the requirements of his no-contest plea to misdemeanor drunken driving. Mel made the plea deal following his infamous DUI debacle in July 2006, in which he yelled anti-Semitic remarks and obscenities at cops.

The judge said Mel has attended all required Alcoholics Anonymous and court-mandated DUI meetings. The actor-director still has 18 months of his three years of probation to finish, but he will no longer have to submit progress reports to the court.

South Philly's

Temptresse Browne

, who stayed classy after

Simon Cowell

dissed her on the

American Idol

tryouts, got royal 17th-birthday treatment on Tuesday from

Entertainment Tonight's

Kevin Frazier

. Picked her up in a limo at Paul Robeson High in West Philly; took her to Total Serenity Spa off Rittenhouse Square for a makeover (where her sister

Nikisha

was waiting); and brought them to Lane Bryant, where they were outfitted by stylist

Nicole Maxwell

and where Temptresse got a $1,000 gift card. Next stop was Dave & Buster's for a surprise party hosted by D&B's

Bill Finkel

.

ET

gave her a cake, a laptop and a printer. The

ET

report airs at 7 tonight on CBS3.

- Michael Klein

Ardmore resident

Larry Levin

will show off his dog

Oogy

today on

The Oprah Winfrey Show

. Oogy, who will turn 6 this spring, was only 4 months old when he was rescued by police from a facility that was training pooches for illegal dog fights. Show reps say Levin and Oogy made the 12-hour drive for the show's taping in Chicago.

Not sure how Oogy fits in with the theme of today's show, "Valentine's Day Surprises."

Perhaps it'll be a surprise.

Sorry, gals, but

Gary Coleman

is off the market. The 40-year-old

Diff'rent Strokes

survivor (and that, just barely) tells

Inside Edition

that he and 22-year-old

Shannon Price

were married in August. Coleman, who met Price on the set of the 2006 comedy

Church Ball

, said this was his first romantic relationship.

"I never got the opportunity," he says. "I wasn't saving myself, she just happened to be the one." He said that stupid things like age and height differences (he's 18 years older, she's 11 inches taller) do not matter when there's real love. Said Coleman, "She's more intelligent than I am, and that's what matters to me."

"They tell me that it all was too rapid," says France's newly minted first lady,

Carla Bruni

, of criticism that she and French prez

Nicolas Sarkozy

rushed into marriage.

"That's not true between Nicolas and me. It didn't happen rapidly. It was immediate," the 39-year-old model-turned-pop-singer says, not without irony.

"I wished to marry him right away," Bruni tells L'Express mag in her first interview since the wedding. She and Sarkozy married after a nine-week whirlwind romance.

"Lovers, you know, have their own sense of time," concluded the 39-year-old beauty, who like all French men and women are required by the state to occupy their free time contemplating - albeit in an erotico-poetical manner - the philosophy of temporality and its relation to Being.

Juvenile

was arrested Tuesday in Meridian, Miss., and charged with possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, reports gossip Web site TMZ.com. Meanwhile, out West, a grand jury has indicted

Lil Wayne

(Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.) on two felony drug and weapons charges, including possession of a narcotic drug for sale, stemming from his Jan. 23 arrest near Yuma, Ariz. Lil, 25, who pleaded not guilty, is due in court March 7 for a status hearing.

Director

Alejandro Gomez Monteverde

's indie romance

Bella

, which was co-exec-produced by Philly auto dealer

Eustace Wolfington

and his cousin,

Sean Wolfington

, scored at Tuesday night's Faith & Values Awards Gala in Beverly Hills, winning the Faith & Freedom Award for Movies.

The night's top honors went to

Amazing Grace

in the film category and the TV drama

The Valley of Light

. The awards are co-sponsored by the John Templeton Foundation, based in West Conshohocken, and Movieguide, which was founded by

Ted Baher

, who chairs the Christian Film & Television Commission.

Dolly Parton

, who has postponed her U.S. tour because of back problems, tells Ladies' Home Journal that she's tired of hearing the same ol' stupid jokes about her figure. Parton, 62, who has 3,000 published songs and is worth $300 mil, says: "I know my style has been a joke to a lot of people and still is. I've used this line often, but by now I hope, people see that there's a brain beneath the wigs. And a heart beneath the boobs."