Sideshow: Al Reynolds hates his life

Al Reynolds

is a maligned man. A much-maligned man. Who says so? He does. Right there in a MySpace post, People.com reports.

Star Jones'

37-year-old future ex reveals nothing about why the marriage, which began in 2004 with a wedding as long on hype as it was short on taste, hit the rocks. Jones, 46, filed for divorce last month. The former

View

gabber pledged to handle the split "with dignity and grace."

Al, for his part, would appreciate a little sympathy. "If you think you are having a tough day, may I propose you walk in my shoes for a few hours," he writes. "In my mind, it feels like 'Dump on Al Month.' And I'm not having fun yet. I have been called a gigolo, a freeloader, unemployed, a sham and many other things that don't bear repeating. People on television, radio and the Internet have spoken disparagingly of my life, my sexuality, my career and my integrity."

Ah, fame comes at such a high price.

Madonna

is about to become the permanent mommy of Malawian toddler

David Banda

, the little one she found in an orphanage in 2006.

A court in Malawi is expected to approve Madge's adoption of David, 2, this week, according to her lawyer.

Neither the singer nor hub

Guy Ritchie

has to be present for the the proceedings, said Madonna's lawyer,

Alan Chinula

. A judge will review two reports by Malawian officials supervising the adoption, then issue a decision. "We are confident he will grant the Ritchies' permanent custody order," said Chinula. And no wonder. Chief social welfare officer

Simon Chisale

describing Madonna a "perfect mum" for David, whose biological mother died soon after he was born and whose father is too poor to take care of him.

Madonna has taken some heat from children's rights advocates who would rather she shell out some dough so children can be cared for in their native lands. But the singer seems to be doing just that. She has set up a charity called Raising Malawi, and is funding six more orphanages outside the capital, Lilongwe, that provide education and food for about 4,000 children.

Remy Ma

won't be playing concert dates for a while. She won't be getting married right away, either.

The 26-year-old Grammy nominee was sentenced yesterday to eight years in prison for shooting a woman outside a Manhattan nightclub. The 26-year-old rapper, nee

Remy Smith

, sobbed as she heard her punishment, but things could have been worse - she could have ended up with 25 years in the jug for her assault, weapon possession and attempted coercion trifecta.

Remy Ma says it was all an accident, and plans to appeal. State Supreme Court Justice

Rena Uviller

called Remy Ma "a young woman whose anger is out of control."

On the nuptials front, corrections officials say they called off Remy Ma's weekend wedding at Rikers Island jail after the groom - fellow rapper

Papoose

(born

Shamele Mackie

) - showed up with a handcuff key.

Remy Ma's lawyer,

Ivan Fisher

, denies the key could be used to unlock handcuffs. Maybe it was the key to Papoose's heart. Anyway, Papoose wasn't charged. The couple still want to wed, Fisher said.

Wow, Charlie's Angels are tough!

Drew Barrymore

, who played one of the crime-fighting angels on the big screen and a made friends with an extra-terrestrial long ago in

E.T.

, chased after a driver who hit her car and fled on Monday.

When Barrymore's car was rear-ended in West Hollywood and the other car sped off, the 33-year-old actress followed and got the miscreant's license number, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

Barrymore, who was not injured, prudently handed the license plate number over to sheriff's deputies instead of trying to wreak vengeance herself.

"It could be dangerous," a sheriff's department spokeswoman said of following someone after an accident. Still, she emphasized that getting a license plate number is instrumental to tracking down a hit-and-run motorist.

What was that thing

Sarah Jessica Parker

was sporting on her noggin at the London premiere on Monday night of

Sex and the City

? To the uncouth or the merely uninitiated, it looked like something left over from an especially garish local theater production of

A Midsummer Night's Dream

. But to headwear cognoscenti, it was haute hat, a confection whipped up by celebrated milliner

Philip Treacy

after meeting with Parker for an hour on Sunday, People.com reports.

Parker tried on a few different hat shapes, then picked one she liked, according to

Nina Farnell-Watson

, Treacy's spokeswoman. Then Treacy went to work with peacock feathers and got the hat to Parker two hours before the premiere. "Quite brave of her," allowed Farnell-Watson. "It's the most beautiful crazy hat and it's so great that she wore a hat to a British premiere. The hat is such a quintessentially English idea, but it was done in such a Carrie Bradshaw way."

A biologist at East Carolina University has named a newly discovered spider species after rock-and-roll icon

Neil Young

.

The arachnid's official appellation, which sort of has that sticky spider web feel to it, is

Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi

.

Biologist

Jason Bond

said Young merits the honor for his social and political activism.

Bond, 40, examined the spider in a collection at the American Museum of Natural History in New York, where it was identified as a new species indigenous to Alabama. He sent students there to collect more specimens.

This isn't the first time Bond has honored someone in this manner. He named one species

Stasimopus mendelai

after South African civil rights leader

Nelson Mandela

, and another,

Apomastus kristenae

, after his wife,

Kristen

.

"I've got about 30 new species of trap-door spiders from California that I have in the queue to put names to and I've got a few people in mind," Bond said.

Joel Graves

, a spokesman for Young's management company, Lookout Management, said the company had no comment.