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Steve and Mia: Almost no sex in a loveless city ... and boring

The Manolos, the Cosmos, the smutty brunch chat - sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) is back with her girlfriends in the big-screen version of HBO's late '90s hit "Sex and the City."

The Manolos, the Cosmos, the smutty brunch chat - sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) is back with her girlfriends in the big-screen version of HBO's late '90s hit "Sex and the City."

The movie continues the story of Carrie and her pals Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Samantha (Kim Catrall).

Clocking in at more than two hours, the flick offers plenty of fashion shows, high-pitched shrieking and more than a few love lessons.

The Daily News sent its own sex columnists, Steve & Mia, to the movie. Mia had watched the show – although often with disdain - while Steve hadn't seen a single episode.

Here's how their conversation went:

Steve: After seeing these gals, my first thought was, "How could four women whose collective IQ wouldn't break 350 be so high maintenance?"

Mia: Apparently that's how they breed 'em in New York. Throughout the TV show, they were constantly dumping guys that they didn't think were good enough. But maybe those guys were better off?

Steve: I was surprised the men came off as well as they did in the movie. They screwed up, but when they did, they were contrite and incredibly patient while their women worked things out. In other words, nothing like real life.

Mia: You're telling me. In the show, Mr. Big is always an inconsiderate jerk. But the movie paints him in a better light. How boring. Wouldn't it have been more fun if he was a jerk and another guy came on the scene and Carrie had to choose?

Steve: Absolutely. Two guys, one bad, one good, fighting over one girl. Carrie, like most women, would choose the bad one.

Mia: My biggest complaint with this movie is there was almost no actual sex. The four leading ladies are all in monogamous relationships and never do anything remotely interesting in the bedroom. Is that what married life is really like?

Steve: It depends on the couple. Some like more sex, some like less. One of my favorite scenes is when the gals are talking about Miranda's marital sex trouble and the insatiable Samantha says, "That's how it starts. The next thing you know, you're only having sex three or four times a week."

Mia: What did you think of Carrie's assistant, Louise [Jennifer Hudson]? To me, she didn't seem nearly tough enough to last a minute in NYC. And what 23-year-old acts all dewy eyed about LOVE?

Steve: The poor girl went looking for love in New York City. That's the last place on the planet to go if you're looking for love. Kansas City, St. Louis, even Philadelphia, fine. But the Big Apple? The absolute worst place to find love.

Mia: Only in the movies, man. But apparently you can find a posse of girlfriends who will see you through the dark days and attend fashion shows with you in New York. What did you think of the ladies, Steve? Any favorites?

Steve: Samantha, but that's only because Kim Cattrall starred in "Big Trouble in Little China." The love interests in that movie were Kurt Russell and a Chinese guy who floated two feet above the floor and shot lightning out of his eyes. Great movie.

Mia: My favorite Kim Cattrall movie is "Mannequin," where she plays a department store mannequin who comes to life. Awesome. Now there's a romantic conflict. How can you sustain a relationship when your girlfriend is only alive at night, when the store is closed?

Steve: I guess it works for vampires.

Mia: I still think Miranda is the only character that rings even mildly true. She actually has to hold down a job and talks about how hard it is to raise a child. Everyone else seems to live in a shopping-fueled fantasy land. But maybe the fans like it that way. How did you feel about all the fashion name-dropping in the show? Vivienne Westwood, Vogue, etc.

Steve: The obsession with fashion was pretty amusing, but I fear some of Carrie's fans might take it seriously and really shell out $700 for a pair of Manolo Blahniks.

Mia: Only the ones who don't remember the season where Carrie went broke and had to borrow money from Charlotte to stay in her apartment.

Steve: The best line in the movie went over the heads of the youngish audience we saw it with. Candice Bergen, playing Vogue editor Enid Frick, says, "Forty is the last age a woman can be photographed in a wedding dress without the unintended Diane Arbus subtext."

Mia: Come on, a little credit? Diane Arbus took those creepy freak photos, right? But you are right, it was the best line of the movie. Also, Candice Bergen doesn't get nearly enough work for a cool, funny lady. There's been a lot of talk about how this is a movie that stars women in their 40s and 50s, but do you think it will actually help open more parts to actresses of those ages? I don't.

Steve: Since we boomers control the world and are quickly turning into old geezers, I predict Hollywood will create a successful geezer niche for us.

Mia: My all time favorite "Sex and the City" episode was in Season One when a guy Charlotte was dating wanted to have anal sex and the four girls spent most of the episode driving around Manhattan in a cab, smoking cigarettes and talking about whether she should be the "up the butt girl." Never did this movie achieve that level of raunchy humor for me. They've gotten older and classier; i.e., boring.

Steve: I agree, and chick flicks aren't an automatic turn-off for me. I liked "In Her Shoes." But, except for the sushi, I wouldn't recommend this to my buddies. The sushi, however, was mouth-watering, if you get my drift. The most exquisite presentation of conger eel-and-cucumber rolls I've ever seen. I'd love to see a Japanese restaurant here adopt it.

Mia: I'm pretty sure sushi on naked people is not a new concept. I just couldn't figure out how she could position it on herself like that without any help. But anyway, I don't think I'd recommend this movie to anyone except for big fans of the show. It's long and very self-important, and the gags are only somewhat interesting to people who already love the show. Given the choice, I'd stay home with "Sabrina." *