The London production of

Gone With the Wind

, adapted from the

Margaret Mitchell

novel by novice writer and composer

Margaret Martin

- who has a day job as a doctor of public health in California - will close on June 14 after merely 79 shows, a wave of indifference from the public, and a torrent of insults from critics.

("It wholly fails to blow one away," a Brit critic said. Another predicted the play would quickly be "blown away on gales of ridicule.")

London's Daily Mail says the

un

-hit, which has been plugged as a "play with music," was helmed by former Royal Shakespeare Company leader Sir

Trevor Nunn

. It cost nearly $10 mil to create, which means

GWTW

's short run is sure to spell financial disaster for financiers.

Producer

Aldo Scrofani

said plans to take it to Broadway "are on hold."

A Paper bust

Tatum O'Neal

, 44, was arrested Sunday night after allegedly buying crack near her home in Manhattan. O'Neal, who is the youngest person to win an Oscar, for her role in 1973's

Paper Moon

, took pains to tell cops her side of the story. She began with the classic, "You know who I am, right?" an anon source tells the New York Post. She proceeded with another classic, "I'm researching a part - I'm doing this for a part" as a junkie, she said.

O'Neal was released without bail yesterday after being given a misdemeanor possession charge. She wrote about her problems with drug addiction in her '04 memoir,

A Paper Life

. Her lawyer has declined to comment.

Grammer has mild heart attack

Kelsey Grammer

's rep says the

Frasier

star is "resting comfortably" in a hospital in Hawaii after suffering a mild heart attack.

"Grammer experienced symptoms Saturday morning after paddle-boarding with his wife,

Camille

," the rep says. The 53-year-old actor is expected to be released early this week.

War over Brangelina baby pics

TMZ.com says the bidding war over exclusive rights to publish the first photos of

Brangelina

's twins has topped an astounding

$15 mil

, knocking out all other buyers except super-well-financed mags People and OK!

"We'd love to see the photos in People. We wish the family well," a People rep tells TMZ. No comment from

Brad

or

Angie

, though it's a safe bet that the cash will all go to charity.

Chris Rock's African jaunt

Comedian

Chris Rock

, 43, who opens his "No Apologies" tour in South Africa this week, yesterday said poverty is to blame for a wave of xenophobic violence across that country.

"It's broke-on-broke violence. It's broke people robbing each other. That's the sad thing," Rock said. More than 60 immigrants have been killed and nearly 100,000 kicked out of their homes by South Africans who accuse them of stealing their jobs.

Just friends, says Diddy

Sean "Diddy" Combs

tells the New York Daily News that his recent public appearances with a very friendly

Cameron Diaz

don't mean a thing: They're just friends.

A 'Sensitive' role for Cattrall

English-born, Canadian-raised thespian temptress

Kim Cattrall

has signed to star in a new HBO show, the Hollywood Reporter says.

Surprisingly enough, the story's about . . .

sex

.

A clone of the British series of the same name,

Sensitive Skin

will star Cattrall as "a middle-aged wife and mother in New York who rediscovers her sexuality." The original starred the absolutely fabulous

Absolutely Fabulous

star

Joanna Lumley

.

The ethics of pretty dresses

Cattrall's

Sex and the City

costar

Sarah Jessica Parker

is not happy with design house Nina Ricci. The fashionista says she was led to believe that the silver dress she wore for the movie's premiere in New York had never before been donned in public - but it had. Socialite

Lauren David Santo Domingo

wore the gown to a ball on May 5.

"What they did was so short-sighted," Parker told the New York Times. "It's just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again."

Cox measures up Mayer

So, does

Courteney Cox

approve of her BFF

Jennifer Aniston

's new beau, soulful pop-rock warbler

John Mayer

? Seems that on Sunday, Jen, 39, took her 30-year-old bf to Cox's Malibu pad for the dreaded inspection-by-best-friend.

Cox's assessment may depend on whether she likes

The Goonies

: Mayer is a

big

fan of

Richard Donner

's 1985 coming-of-age fantasy.

E!Online says that earlier on Sunday, Mayer wrote on his Web site, "I've always fancied myself a Goonie; the underdog who toppled over the narrow-minded naysayers and walked away with a treasure." (

?!

)

Pot calls the kettle faux

Faux memoirist

Laura Albert

, 42, who in '06 was exposed as the author of the '99 best-seller

Sarah

, the purported story of an abused, homeless, 12-year-old boy named

JT LeRoy

, is outraged that her partner in the hoax has written . . . a memoir about the hoax.

The New York Post says

Savannah Knoop

, 27, writes in

Girl Boy Girl: How I Became JT LeRoy

that she helped Albert out by pretending to be the nonexistent LeRoy at public functions. Seems she fooled many a member of the liter-(and glitter)-ati, including

Michael Pitt

,

Carrie Fisher

,

Courtney Love

and

Asia Argento

, whose '04 film,

The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things

, is based on LeRoy's supposed writings.

Koop's book "disgusts me," Albert says. "Just because you

play

a writer doesn't mean you

are

a writer." Even a fake has her scruples.

'Simpsons' deal sealed

Rejoice! Fox's animated guide to family values,

The Simpsons

, will return for another season. The Hollywood Reporter says the standoff between the voice cast and 20th Century Fox TV ended this weekend with a new four-year deal that raises each actor's salary to about $400,000 per episode.

Gainsbourg terminated; Perrineau lives

M. Night Shyamalan

-approved ingenue

Bryce Dallas Howard

is in talks to replace French beauty

Charlotte Gainsbourg

in

Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins

, says the Hollywood Reporter. The trade paper also says

Harold Perrineau

, who exited ABC's

Lost

via death's door, will star in a new ABC pilot as a super-paranoid New York police detective.

Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com.

This column contains information from Inquirer wire services and from Web sites.