Ask Amy: Affair over, start a new chapter with wife
Dear Amy: I have been with my wife for 10 years. Up until recent months, I considered her without a doubt my best friend. Our marriage has generally been solid, but we went through some difficult life choices in recent months that created substantial hurt feelings.
Dear Amy:
I have been with my wife for 10 years. Up until recent months, I considered her without a doubt my best friend. Our marriage has generally been solid, but we went through some difficult life choices in recent months that created substantial hurt feelings.
I have always prided myself on keeping promises. I also have been judgmental toward those who cheat, which is why I was stunned to find myself becoming infatuated - and then, falling in love with - a colleague. This happened during the recent difficult period in my marriage.
My colleague and I recently agreed to end our affair. I decided I could not abandon the promise I made to my wife to be there for her.
My wife and I will be moving in a few months. I have been hoping that I will be able to forget the one I loved here and move on.
All I can say, and it is no excuse, is that I did not go looking for this; my feelings hit me hard and unexpectedly.
I am in a lot of pain because I feel that my colleague may have been the true love of my life. But I am not so selfish as to believe that this is more important than my wife's happiness. She would be devastated to know.
Amy, I want to know if you think I did the right thing in ending the affair.
Am I doing anyone any favors by staying married when I have strong feelings for another? I need advice.
Dear Torn:
I want you to get your "best friend" back. You can only do so by working your way back into the intimacy you and your wife need and deserve to have.
You need to become an active participant in your own life by making affirmative choices. You did the right thing by ending the affair, and now it's time to do the hard work required to get your life back.
Your marriage can survive this, but only if you include your wife in the process. You should talk this through with a therapist who specializes in working with couples. You need to disclose this experience to your wife and hold her hand as she goes through the myriad emotions your infidelity will raise for her.