Tell Me About It: Worried about his ill, undiagnosed girlfriend

Question:

My girlfriend of several years has been sick for months. She finally started seeing a well-respected doctor, who, despite numerous tests, has yet to diagnose her.

I realize mystery illnesses sometimes take time to figure out, but I want her to see another doctor. My girlfriend feels this is unnecessary.

(This isn't a tummy ache; we're talking potential heart problems.)

I hate seeing her suffer and not taking responsibility for her own health. I'm trying not to be selfish. How do I be a supportive boyfriend while still ensuring she gets the help I strongly believe she needs?

Answer:

She's seeing a doctor, so she has taken responsibility for her health. Maybe it's just in this one, isolated way, but if she was going to make only one move, this was the big one. Give it time to work.

While she does owe you, her partner, some consideration toward postponing her demise as long as possible - and while you're entitled to lobby on your own behalf - she still gets the last word. If this is how she wants to manage her health, this is how she manages her health.

That leaves you to manage your response to her. In general, copers cope and dodgers dodge. If she's a dodger by nature and you struggle to cope with that, then you'll have to factor that into any foreseeable future with her.

That doesn't help with your immediate situation. But you do have some good news there: Your girlfriend hasn't completely tuned you out. Keep it that way by being judicious in picking your battles. Wait until the first opinion is fully formed before you launch your campaign for the next one.

In the meantime, with her approval, you can help gather her test results to bring to that eventual second opinion (you can type up and fax requests that she signs). It may even annoy your girlfriend less than watching you climb the walls.