Bella drama

In Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight Saga" series, main character Isabella Swan dramatically declares herself "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with a vampire she barely knows.

Let me quote her when I say these books are "unconditionally and irrevocably" overrated.

For those who have missed the hype: The books revolve around teenage Isabella, who has moved to a small town in Washington to live with her father. There, at the high school, she meets Edward, a classmate who happens to be one of the unholy undead. She falls for him anyway.

Then the problems begin, including run-ins with werewolves, choosing life or death, and other good stuff. The final book in the four-novel series was released this morning at 12:01 a.m.

It seems silly to say "I find this book unbelievable" when discussing a book involving vampires and werewolves. But J.K. Rowling proved that, in the right hands, a book about magic and wizards could have credible relationships, even when they were of the cross-species kind - giant and human, house elf and human, etc. Meyer's handling doesn't strike the same deep chord.

Please note: This is one person's opinion. In fact, I write this with a bit of trepidation. The last time I took an unpopular stand in a column for this newspaper - about how I wished the Saints would beat the Eagles in the 2007 NFC playoffs for the good of New Orleans - I was threatened with physical harm. In fact, the first comment on the online version of the story was, "Natalie Pompilio. Drop dead" - and they got worse from there.

But I'm hoping Twilight fans are a less violent lot, even if their favored reading features vampires, werewolves and blood.

Let me get your first question out of the way now: "If you hate these books so much, why did you read them?" Answer: Because I ordered them all at once after I heard they were good and then I was stuck with them.

Bella, as she is often called, drives me mad with her melodrama. She falls so crazy in love with Edward so quickly that if she doesn't see him in the cafeteria one day, "desolation" hits her "with crippling strength." After she and Edward break up, she is catatonic for months.

Edward is supposed to be the perfect guy. But honestly, what is so great about him? First: He's seriously lacking a sense of humor. He's all jaw-clenching tension and repressed emotion. Second: He's literally cold. Like stone. Not cuddly. Third: He's a bit of a know-it-all, possibly because he is more than 100 years old.

But he is very handsome and has old-school manners, sparkling skin, and superhuman speed and strength. That seems to be enough for Bella. (He's also saved her life a few times.)

In Meyer's hands, Bella is often struck by Edward's beauty and icy perfection, to the point where I want to say, "We get it. She thinks he's hot. Move along." The author loves adjectives, adverbs, and any word that can stretch out a sentence. Take this line from the first book: "He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare."

Scintillating? Frankly, I'm bored by that description.

I'm also bored by the book's alleged message. Edward refuses to bite Bella and turn her into a vampire, a supposed reference to sexual abstinence. Maybe that's true. But if so, let's talk about Bella practically begging him, multiple times, to bite her. If he's the controlled gentleman, does this mean she's the aspiring necrophiliac?

In fact, Bella's obsession with becoming a vampire so she can be with Edward forever and ever (imagine her schoolbook covers scribbled with their names in hearts) is one of the many reasons I find her unlikable. What about her parents, her slightly absent-but-loving mother and gruff-but-caring father? Bella is selfish, putting aside friendships and family for her Edward obsession.

This is like an episode of MTV's Engaged and Underage. Her father should ground her until she's 30.

So after hundreds of words of hate, here's the kicker: I intend to read Meyer's final book. I want to see how it ends, to see if I have a legitimate gripe against Bella and Edward.

But I won't be near any local bookstores when the adoring hordes get their copies. It could be too dangerous. Even with book fans, you can't be too sure.