Tell Me About It: Friend's choice of motherhood worries her

Question:

I'm a Jewish college senior from New York. My 20-year-old Mormon friend got married a year ago and is expecting soon. I went to high school with her, and when she moved to Utah for college we stayed in relatively good touch, though we haven't seen each other in three years.

I've been having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that this brilliant friend decided that what she wants most out of life is to be a stay-at-home mom. However, I hope my e-mails have displayed nothing but joy, happiness and cautious contentment with her decisions.

I worry constantly about her. Although her e-mails and blog posts are chipper, they also sound like she's trying to convince herself she is happy. I want to confirm with my eyes that she's truly happy. However, when I say I would like to visit, she never responds or even recognizes the question. How might I impress upon her that I really do want to see her?

Answer: Seems odd to give us the whole story while your friend gets only a sliver, but I get it - you want us to understand you, and you want her to feel supported, not judged.

But you are judging her. You think she's wasting her mind (and youth?) on marriage and kids, to the point where you're consumed by worry despite not having seen her since you both started college. You're not only judging the work of mothers, you're questioning your friend's competence at charting the course of her life.

You show no signs of questioning your way as the "right" way, and certainty is a dangerous thing; people who possess it often fail to differentiate between universal truths and cultural assumptions. Your old friend may not be interested in explaining herself to you, having picked up on your horror at her choices. And if that's not true, if you've really managed to display "nothing but joy," what would that say about the intimacy of your friendship these days?

True friends challenge their own opinions. Ask yourself whether you're seeing the issue unobstructed or getting only the part that fits in your own frame of reference. In other words, marrying at 19 doesn't mean she's going to struggle, and struggling doesn't mean marrying young is to blame. If her struggle is from marrying young, she needs the empathy of equals. If you don't have it, get it or don't be friends. Either beats measuring her life by yours.