Ask Amy: Feeling neglected at these family parties

Dear Amy:

I love my family, but we have not been very close for years. I never hear from my sister or niece, unless one of them is having a lame barbecue or birthday party.

The parties are supposed to be for the children, but instead they invite many of their friends, and liquor is served.

My husband and I hate going. They say hello and goodbye, and that's it. We are ignored the whole time. They invite about 30 people no one knows. No one is ever introduced to anyone.

All of us sit around staring at one another or watch TV while my sister or niece is chatting with her friends and ignoring everyone else.

Do they really think everyone is having a good time? All the holidays are exactly the same. When we go to leave, they get upset and say, "You're leaving already?"

These parties last for hours and almost always the gifts are not even opened. We never receive a thank-you for the gifts, either.

We have been making excuses not to go because this is so frustrating for us. How should we handle these situations?

Dear Frustrated:

I agree that your sister isn't the best hostess, but you and your husband don't sound like very good guests, either. When you accept an invitation, you have an obligation not only to attend but also to be good company while you're there.

If you don't know people and aren't introduced (a serious breach by the host), you should introduce yourself and ask a question, such as "Now remind me how you know my sister." Unless it is a Super Bowl or Dancing With the Stars party, no one should be watching television.

It is obvious you don't enjoy this sort of socializing, yet you don't mention that you ever reciprocate or entertain family in your own home.

When you host your own parties, you can design them to be the kinds of events you enjoy. Before giving up on these relationships, see what you can do to change the dynamic.

Dear Amy: I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last eight months.

We have discussed our future together, including marriage and children.

Her 10-year high school reunion is in one month, and she intends to attend alone with some of her single friends. Her argument is that she wants to reminisce with old classmates and not have to entertain me because I do not know anyone from her graduating class.

My argument is that I am a significant part of her present and future, and should not be seen as a liability. Some of her friends are bringing their husbands/boyfriends.

The reunion is at a public bar, so after the initial introductions I could socialize on my own and not cling to her side for the night.

Please advise, because I feel dejected by her attitude.

Dear Left: I agree with you that you should be included in at least one function during this reunion. Many reunions are designed so classmates can kick off the weekend and get together in a casual setting, and then spouses and families are included in another event the following day.

If there are no other opportunities to join your girlfriend during the reunion, then you should be included in the evening event. She should trust that you can hold your own while she reminisces.