Ask Amy: Anonymous accusation of infidelity

Dear Amy:

I received a typed, anonymous letter marked "Private" in the mail today at my business. It reads: "Your husband cheated on you. Or has been having an affair. I don't know which."

How do you suggest I approach this topic with my husband? We have been together for 19 years.

I have a hard time believing he has been unfaithful. Of course I don't want it to be true.

We are both very trusting of each other, and neither of us has jealous tendencies.

Any advice?

Dear Worried:

During your marriage, there have no doubt been times you were tested and unsure. I venture you probably turned to your husband during those times.

Turn to him now. Start with an attitude of inquiry, not accusation. Your questions should start as open-ended and general ("Honey, what do you make of this?"); then you might want to get specific, i.e. "Have you ever been or are you now in a relationship outside of our marriage?"

He might say he has no earthly idea what this letter is about. He may supply explanations or possible scenarios - for instance, someone might want to hurt him or you. If he provides an explanation and you believe it, then you should do what you can to move on.

If he turns on you, if his explanation doesn't make sense, or if that little voice in the back of your mind tells you that something isn't right, then you should do what you can to get to the bottom of this.

Your husband shouldn't have to prove his innocence based on an anonymous accusation, but for your peace of mind, it would be a good idea for him to try.