Ask Amy: Reluctant beau asks her to wait and wait

Dear Amy:

What do you do if you're in a fantastic relationship with a compatible and good person, but the timing is off?

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s and have been dating for nearly four years.

For about a year I've been ready to think about taking our relationship further - and I would like to get married.

My boyfriend isn't quite ready now and might not feel ready until after business school - three or four years from now.

While I want to be able to support him and enjoy our relationship until he is ready, I don't know if I can wait to get married in my early 30s after eight or more years of dating.

If the timing were off by only a few months or even a year or two, I think we could handle it well - we have great communication. But how do you deal with reality and keep resentment and sadness at bay when it could end up being three or four years between when I was ready and when he will be?

Dear Kelly:

In my experience (and I have had this experience), if someone you've been with for several years says he's not ready to get married - and doesn't know when he might be ready - he's really saying that he isn't ready to get married - to you.

He might love you very much and be afraid of how this revelation would hurt you, or he may not know the source of his hesitation, but his hesitation is what you must pay attention to.

If you've already discussed this at length, don't attempt to persuade or push him into marriage. You may think that the worst thing would be that you two would break up over this, when actually the worst thing that could happen would be you two marrying when, down deep, he doesn't really want to.