Ask Amy: With this marital gulf he needs counseling

Dear Amy:

My wife and I have been married for 23 years, and in the last year things have taken a turn for the worse. She spent the holidays away from me because I didn't want to visit the same people she did.

She chose to go downtown with friends instead of to a wedding we had promised to attend. She and her friends share/board a horse together, and she spends a lot of time there without me.

She has recently purchased intimate apparel, perfume and clothes that she wears out to company-sponsored events that I am not invited to, and she hasn't worn her wedding ring in almost five months.

We haven't been intimate in more than six months, and we sleep in separate rooms.

I scheduled counseling and asked her to go with me, but she refused.

I haven't been without blame for some of the problems we have been experiencing, but I have tried to turn things around. I get frustrated when she doesn't do the same.

I hold my feelings in and then get angry and loud. I hate myself for letting it get to me. I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is.

Dear Desperate:

Your wife's behavior is obnoxious and obvious, to the extent that she might as well walk through your living room sporting a sandwich board stating "I am no longer in this marriage."

You two are miles apart.

No matter what your wife chooses to do, you have some important decisions to make. If you pursue counseling (even by yourself), you'll have the opportunity to discuss your own role in this estrangement and your feelings about the state of your marriage. You'll find healthier ways to communicate your feelings to your wife, and you can develop a strategy for what to do next. You should also consult a lawyer.

Dear Amy: My father and I had always been close until four years ago, when my parents separated and then divorced after 25 years of marriage. I supported my dad, but I've since come to realize that the breakup was largely his doing.

My dad suffers from depression, for which he refuses to seek professional help. He is also a hateful, mean-spirited and vengeful man by nature. My mother is much happier now, and we have mended our relationship.

My father is still very bitter and tells horrible lies about my mother. My three siblings and I have refused to take sides, for which he has punished all of us. Perhaps because I initially supported him, my refusal in particular has led him to stop speaking to me.

After the most recent rejection, I realized that for my own emotional well-being I must stop putting myself through this torture.

Unfortunately, I often run into old family friends, distant relatives and acquaintances who inevitably ask about my father. How do I answer in a way that does not give the illusion that all is well, but also does not prompt painful questions as to why our relationship is nonexistent?

Dear Daughter:

When people ask about your father, you can say: "I haven't seen him in some time, but you should give him a call. I bet he'd like to hear from you."

If people ask painful questions (and you can count on some people probing into your personal pain, no matter what), a vague platitude often works to send the message that you don't want to talk about it.

For instance, if people ask about your relationship with your father, you can say, "Well, it's complicated." Then you deftly change the subject to talking about them.