Tell Me About It: Coping in the presence of mine 'frenemy'

Question:

How do I handle a "frenemy"? We are in the same group of stay-at-home moms, and I thought she was a genuine friend, but I am slowly learning I was wrong.

She is nice to me some of the time, but more and more I am getting "pecked" at, and her comments upset me: "Ooh, you need to get your hair done, I can see all your grays and your split ends," or, "Of course you don't have time to lose weight, cook, or go shopping, with four kids to take care of." The negative comments about other moms are much harsher.

How do I break up with her? We have many of the same friends and children the same age. We will probably see each other for years.

Answer: What do you say when she points out your gray hair? Nothing, or a defensive "I have an appointment next week"? Or, "Thank you! That's the look I was going for." Your being upset, even legitimately, still means you're half of this unhappy transaction.

As lightly as you can, remind her whose split ends are showing, metaphorically speaking. Snappy comebacks are tantalizing, but if they're planned, they're duds. "Thanks!" on the other hand, is a modest marvel - no memorization needed, so no canned aftertaste.

It's also the answer to an appropriate comment, thereby underscoring that hers wasn't one. All the confrontation, none of the mess.

You're less obligated to be a good sport when she's pecking someone else: "That helps Naomi how, exactly?" Frame any protests in question form, which bounces everything back to Frenemia.

Just do it, I repeat, lightly. It is possible she's trying to be helpful (the gray) or sympathetic (the weight), and just trips over herself. It's possible, too, that she enjoys getting a rise. Either way, cheerful resistance sends the exact message you want: "Nice try, but, no."