When you think about it, all of life is one thing leading to another.
These days, unfortunately, the economy has set many of us on a path filled with obstacles and bad turns. And where it's leading, well, who can tell?
We could dwell on rising unemployment and tanking portfolios until our brains explode. Better to use that Al Gore-given gift of cheap entertainment, distance learning, and armchair adventurism that is the Internet - and simply go where it leads us - for a couple of hours, at least.
The Internet has radically lowered the cost and effort of intellectual exploration, says Howard Welser, an assistant professor of sociology at Ohio University.
"There were lots of quirks out there, but we were unlikely to become aware of them," he says. "It's revealing the true diversity of people's interests."
So we embark on an online adventure, starting at a site plucked from a compilation of weird Web pages: the Center for Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse (www.
shoppingcartabuse.com).
"Our site is here to help you understand this unspoken threat, to offer counsel to those who cause harm to the Cart and to sing the praises of the silver chariot of the parking lot," it explains.
Turns out its creator, Luke McDowell, grew up in Chestnut Hill and lives in East Mount Airy. And, he says, it's a joke. He created the Center for Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse (yes, McDowell was an abuser) for a Web design class in the 1990s.
"I get plenty of e-mail from people who are mostly outraged that this organization cares about shopping carts when there are so many other abuses in the world," he says.
He also gets notices from people who have posted shopping-cart videos on YouTube.
Hmm. That tip takes us to "Watch It Shred," a monthly feature of SSI Shredding Systems of Oregon (http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/watch-en.htm).
All broken up
SSI makes industrial-strength machines that destroy all sorts of things. It also makes oddly cathartic videos of stuff (pianos, refrigerator, bowling balls and pins) being ripped apart by giant metal teeth. In April, it was shopping carts.
January's video, "Airplane vs. Shredzilla!", makes us wonder: How does zilla attach itself to so many words?
"Zilla-Rules, where reptiles rule" (http://www.zilla-rules.com) provides no answers, though it does reveal a lobby for "the reptile hobby."
Reptile, reptilian - that's an interesting adjective. But where we go from here isn't to an adjective at all.
Into the weird
With all due respect to those who believe in alien life forms, this is where our stream of consciousness branches off into the River Weird. Our next destination ends up being reptilian as a noun - you know, your typical part-human-part-reptile creature.
Welcome to the Web site of the Reptoids Research Center at http://www.reptoids.com.
"In quest of the answer to the age-old question 'ARE WE ALONE?' we've been conditioned to stare into space when thinking about 'Aliens' and 'E.Ts.' . . . We should also be searching under Earth's surface, in the thousands of miles of underground tunnels, caverns and caves. . . . "
Good conditions for reptoids include "alternate vibrational states of reality (other dimensions)," the site says.
We quickly become all about "alternative vibrational states of reality," and find the "Vibrational Relativity Theory Home Page (http://www.vibrationalrelativity.org/index.htm).
"Just as physicist Stephen Hawking has applied quantum theory to macroscopic bodies (i.e. black holes), so in a symmetric fashion does vibrational relativity theory apply general relativistic principles to the atom."
Sore brain, sore brain. "Whoa!" we shout into Google, which guides us to the "Walking Horse Owners Association" (http://www.walkinghorseowners.com).
Giddyup
"Enter a world where the time you spend with a Tennessee Walking Horse is the best part of your day," says the group's Web site.
That sounds lovely, but wait - do reptoids ride walking horses? Do bad physics students get sent to the general relativistic principal's office?
Confusion oozes out through our fingertips and onto Funbrain.com (http://www.funbrain.com/whichword/index.html). A cartoon appears of a bunny and a game called "Word Confusion - Help Regan the Vegan make fresh salad. Choose the correct word to complete each sentence."
Call any vegetable
We try to help Regan in our own way, by starting our vegecation at "Vegan Outreach (http://www.veganoutreach.org/whyvegan), which features vegan foods at supermarkets. It sounds like a plot for environmentally friendly grocers to take over what's left of the planet after global warming makes Philadelphia a tropical paradise (which obviously isn't happening this week).
We cannot be passive about such a threat. So we hurry over to the Progressive Grocer (http://www.progressivegrocer.com) to look for signs of a coup.
Among the stories there are some about innovations in shopping-cart technology, including a "shopping cart containment system."
And amazingly, we're back where we began. Shopping carts are more vital than we ever guessed. As Mount Airy's McDowell puts it, "they are part of the circle of life."
Now, we must moor ourselves once again on the banks of reality - which, as far as we know, are the only banks not to have asked Washington for a bailout yet.
But take heart. If we can survive shopping-cart abusers, Shredzilla, reptiles, reptoids, relativistic vibrations, Tennessee walking horses, and snowstorms, then surely we can triumph over these most challenging of times.