Tell Me About It: Withholding the grandkids, thinking it best

Question

: Wouldn't it be neat if all grandchildren stood "to gain love, insight, continuity, and perspective beyond measure" from grandparents (to quote one of your recent columns)?

Unfortunately, they can also gain passive-aggression, disrespect, and manipulative tendencies, a skill set that should really be learned in, say, middle school instead of at Grammy's knee.

My in-laws aren't abusive. On the other hand, they slag off on my parenting skills when I am within earshot. They don't respect boundaries my husband and I have set.

Are we grandchild-withholders? Yes, we are, because we can't trust my in-laws not to speak disrespectfully about me, because we can't trust them to bring the kids home in a timely manner, because - we can't trust them.

It happens, and when it happens, you do what you think is best for the family.

- Horrible Daughter-in-Law

Answer: Absolutely. And sometimes, what's best for the family is to let the jerks see their grandkids.

Of course you don't want your kids learning passive-aggression. But just because they witness it doesn't mean they'll adopt it, and just because your folks model passive-aggression doesn't mean that's all they have to teach.

You also have to give your kids a little more credit, and yourself a little less: Kids, in general, are quite capable of making their own nuanced judgments about the adults in their lives, and that includes not just grandparents, but parents, too.

As an exercise in perspective, consider your own future. Do you think you'll be a perfect grandparent? Probably not. But I bet you envision yourself as a good one.

It's also a safe bet that your in-laws think they're perfectly good grandparents. So please embrace the idea that at least one future son- or daughter-in- law might think you're a jerk. How will you like being shut out?