Ask Amy: Home issue straining a marriage

Dear Amy:

My husband and I have been married for six years, and the last couple of years have been very rocky. In a few heated moments, he has told me to get out of his house.

He bought the house years before we met, and now he informs me that he will never add my name to the deed. He insists that I'm wasting my time discussing this issue.

I never want him to tell me to get out of his house again. Besides, I believe that adding my name to the property will symbolize and manifest the concept of true partnership. That is why I've been asking him to put my name on the deed.

We are now in counseling.

Am I being unreasonable?

Dear Left Out: One reason I like prenuptial agreements is that they force people to face and discuss these very basic issues of property and ownership before marriage, rather than when the union hits a rough patch.

You should research the marital-property statutes in your state to see how you and your husband would be expected to divide your property if you divorced. You most likely already have a legal stake in your home. These laws were put in place to prevent spouses from tossing each other out of the marital home without consequence (as your husband seems to want to do).

Your division over this reflects a deep rift in your marriage. This is an ideal issue to work on in counseling because, as you say, being a co-owner with your spouse of the home you live in reflects your status as partners. At this point, you're being treated as little more than an occasionally unwelcome guest. This issue - because of its importance to both of you - could be a deal-breaker.

Dear Amy: What should I say to well-wishers who have heard the news of my impending layoff? They shake my hand and say "Sorry for your loss," or "I heard about your layoff, sorry to hear that." What am I supposed to say in response? Should I say "Thank you"? That just doesn't feel right.

I am not about to tell them just how devastating it is (my husband has been out of work for awhile already and we are circling the drain). But I am not capable of smiling and saying, "Don't worry about me - I'll be fine."

So far I have been able to mutter, "Thanks for your concern, so if you know of a job, please let me know," but things are very awkward around the office.

Some colleagues have the courage to come talk to me, while others are going to great lengths not to.

Dear Hanging: Your response to these expressions of concern is perfect: "Thank you - if you know of a job, please let me know."

This feels awkward, sad and drain-circling because it is. Many people are in similar straits (or may soon be), so let your colleagues offer their support, even if they don't do it well. There is no way to avoid this awkwardness, so make the best of it by maintaining the connection.

Some laid-off workers are getting together in casual groups to commiserate, strategize and support one another outside the workplace. I love this idea because it helps ease the isolation that often accompanies unemployment.

You should do what you can to stay positive, focus on a job search, and take expressions of comfort in the spirit they're offered.