Ask Amy: Mom has to stop being an ATM

Dear Amy:

My husband is retired, and I am retired on medical disability.

Our daughter and son-in-law moved to the state we live in about five years ago. They have repeatedly asked for and received loans amounting to thousands of dollars. Because my husband and I are no longer working, we cannot afford to help support them. More money does not solve the problem. The problem is the choices they make.

I end up feeling guilty for not helping my daughter. She is an only child and has learned well the art of making me feel guilty. When as a parent are you no longer responsible for your child?

Dear Guilty: Your status as a parent lasts until you or your child leaves this earth. Your responsibilities change through time, however, and your child's responsibilities change, too.

You should not be on the hook for giving your daughter and son-in-law money if they are able-bodied adults capable of supporting themselves.

These are tough times, and many families are buckling down and helping one another - and this is what families should do. Ironically, if you had given her less money through the years, you might have some to give her now - when she might have a real need.

It's a shame your daughter is able to push your "guilt" button so easily.

The only thing you should feel guilty about is the unfortunate fact that you raised her to be financially dependent, needy, and manipulative.

Because you can no longer afford to "lend" your daughter money (they are not really loans if she doesn't repay you), she finally has the opportunity to support herself and face the consequences of her own choices.

Now she has a chance to finally grow up.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago but are still living together. We have been friends (just friends, no backsliding), and now he is moving out at the end of April, and I'm totally heartbroken.

He doesn't understand my feeling at all; I'm devastated. I guess I had hoped that we would eventually get back together, but I guess not.

I don't contact him when he isn't around, and when he is home I try to limit our contact because I'm just too hurt. How can I cope with this situation?

Will this get easier?

Dear Heartbroken: You are doing everything right, but your pain won't start to subside until your ex has left your shared home. Then you can commence the important process of gluing the broken shards of your heart back together.

I prescribe scented candles, long baths, Joni Mitchell recordings, movies that make you laugh, and friends. Lots of friends.

Friends will listen to you, commiserate with you, and shed a tear with you. Then, if you're lucky, they'll take you bowling. There is something about bowling a surprise strike and knocking all those pins down that is both cathartic and a celebration.

Your future is what you have - and so you must get to the point where you can embrace it, wholeheartedly and with optimism.