Tell Me About It: Will absence make his heart go wander?

Question:

I am in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful young man. We lived in the same city for more than a year before I started graduate school in another state.

During a recent visit, he informed me that he had gone to a club with friends and met a young woman and asked for her number. He told me he got rid of the number the next day. He has apologized and describes it as a mistake.

While I understand "nothing happened," I still feel his ability to put himself in this situation is a warning sign. Do you think I am overreacting, or are my feelings valid?

Answer: If you're taking this as a warning that you can no longer trust your boyfriend, then that, to me, smacks of punishing a guy for his honesty.

If instead you take it as a warning that the distance is starting to wear him down, then I think that would reward his candor - and, more important, steer you to a more productive line of thinking.

Maintaining intimacy long-distance does wear people down, even those who have every reason to expect their relationship to withstand the pressure - people, say, who have made life commitments to each other, who have built a world together in the form of a home or children or community ties, and who have been separated temporarily out of necessity. Military deployment, for example.

His drifting attention is perfectly normal. It's his admitting it that stands out, and gives you an unusual opportunity to talk to him openly. Please use it: Find out what he's feeling, and what each of you is prepared to do about it. There may be only two outcomes - stay together, break up - but there are many different ways to get there. It might be time to explore a new one.