Ask Amy: Letting a colleague keep secrets from family
Dear Amy: I work with a fiftysomething woman who was widowed when her children were very young. She has never remarried and now ekes out a living by cobbling together paychecks from two or three jobs, none with benefits.
Dear Amy:
I work with a fiftysomething woman who was widowed when her children were very young.
She has never remarried and now ekes out a living by cobbling together paychecks from two or three jobs, none with benefits.
She rents a tiny apartment and drives an old clunker.
Most of us have bought her an occasional meal, given her clothing or household items, or "lent" her small, and sometimes not-so-small, sums of money. Her children are grown, live nearby, and seem to be doing well.
She does not want them to know about her circumstances, saying that they have always viewed her as strong and that she considers her current plight a sign of weakness.
My parents are long dead, but I would be appalled to learn they had gone without when I could have helped them. I think it's inevitable that our colleague's health, car, or some other circumstance will soon bring matters to a head.
In the meantime, do we sit back quietly and watch her struggle? Or do we politely ask her children, in person, by note, or by e-mail, "How can you go to Europe when your mother is destitute?"
Is there some other approach?
We've tried hooking her up with social services but to no avail.
We agreed that this sounds like the plot of one of our favorite movies, Stella Dallas. In the film, the title character sacrifices everything so her child can have the life she never had.
The movie's melodramatic ending makes it clear that the child will never know all her mother has done for her - and that's exactly the way the mother wanted it.
My mother wisely observed that your coworker was making a conscious choice of how she wanted to be seen by her children. You should respect her choice, even if you don't agree with it.
I appreciate and applaud that you care enough to get involved with your coworker's struggle, but the best approach would be to continue to attempt to mentor her directly.
Ask her how she thinks her children would feel if they knew she was foundering. Tell her you understand and admire her pride, but also express your view that if your own parents were struggling and you hadn't known it, you would have been devastated. Urge her to be open with her children.
Dear Amy: A prominent member of our corporation died last week and the memorial contribution mentioned in the obituary is one that I would never support.
I can see this being a moral issue within our company, but I cannot voice my opposition.
Should I make a contribution to the charity of my choice, or send flowers instead?
Dear Unsure: Instead of a contribution or flowers, send a handwritten note of condolence to the family of the deceased.