Q: I've been married to a wonderful woman for three years. I'm in my 40s, and this is my second marriage. During my first marriage, I decided that I never wanted to have children and so had a vasectomy. My current wife knew this before we married, but now she says she wants a family. She is adamant and says she's not sure our marriage can survive if we don't have children. So I'm faced with two problems: Are vasectomies reversible? And should I have an unwanted child for the sake of my marriage?
Steve: Your first question is the easy one. Most vasectomies are reversible by another surgical procedure. Consult your doctor (and your health insurer, which may not pay for it).
Your second question is tougher. People change. The person you married is not the same person five years later, and that person isn't the same five years after that. Marriages that last are the ones that adapt to change.
What's troubling is that your wife thinks that the marriage might not survive without a child. There's more here than meets the eye. I suggest a frank talk about the state of your marriage, perhaps with a counselor involved.
Mia: Dude, she's going to resent you forever if you stand in the way of her dream of being a mom. If I were you, I'd see about getting the vasectomy reversed. It's doable. Marriage is all about compromise. So work with her.
Q: I've been involved with a man for six weeks, and we can't keep our hands off each other. We also want to be together every waking moment. How can I tell whether I'm in love or in lust?
Mia: Slow your roll, girlfriend. What's the big hurry? Take your time. That's how you'll know for sure if you're soulmates in addition to bedmates.
Do you have a lot to say to each other? Do you laugh together, or do you just get it on? Those are the things you need to discover. To do that, you'll have to get out of bed and spend some time together.
Steve: To quote an earlier romance columnist (for the Stratford-upon-Avon Gazette), "Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain, Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done."
Give it six more months and you should know the answer. *