G.I. JOE

In "Transformers," the U.S. military got its butt kicked by giant robots, like a bag of plastic soldiers tossed across the room by an angry kid. As Paramount and Hasbro rip the packaging off another classic toy - in the movie version of America's favorite action figure - how does the military get its Mojo back?

In "G.I. Joe," it means turning our men in uniform into "Iron Men," (kind of like robots, but not), in what looks like black neoprene-covered body armor. The too-obvious irony is that America's real, flesh-and-blood soldiers (the ones stationed and fighting right now in Afghanistan and Iraq) would kill for this kind of protection. The poster gives no hint of plot or character, or any sense that anyone cares to. (Hey, it worked in "Transformers.")

The gun and the sword, presumably meant to be cool, makes this character look as unfocused as this movie seems to be. "G.I. Joe" was a chance to show real human heroism, and create positive characters young boys can act-out with their toys. But all we get are toys.

War is hell, but it is also the absence of reason. Go (away) Joe!