Ask Amy: Cheater caused her 'insecurity'

Dear Amy:

My wife and I have been married for nine years. We have a beautiful 4-year-old son whom we both love dearly, and a fairly successful 25-year-old daughter from my previous relationship.

Two years ago, my wife realized that I was having an affair, and figured out I had had one four years earlier. When she caught me, I confessed, and she and our son moved out.

We made several attempts to reconcile, but she would monitor my cell phone and occasionally requested that I "change the number" or "unlock it" so she could access my phone's history.

Even when I was doing great husbandly and family-man stuff, I found myself being interrogated. She would even call the women whose numbers were on my phone.

I've stopped pursuing these women, but my wife is filing for a divorce, and I've told her I'll give it to her because I can't stand the thought of having to pay for things I did a long time ago.

I want my family back, but I'm not going to put up with my wife's insecurities and interrogation. Am I wrong?

Dear Unhappy: You are wrong on many levels, but you are mainly wrong about this: A woman who has been betrayed repeatedly will need the person who betrayed her to prove, sometimes repeatedly, that he is no longer cheating or about to cheat.

Your wife, if she were to stay with you, would need to pick through your cell phone, your e-mail, your wastebasket, your Facebook friends, and anything else she might choose to investigate until she was satisfied that you were no longer cheating on her.

Your wife's behavior, which you think of as insecurity, is a natural consequence of your behavior. If you want a different outcome, then choose to behave differently.

Counseling could help both of you see this situation from the other's point of view.