Ask Amy: She needs to mourn brother alone
Dear Amy: My brother, who was in his 40s, recently died unexpectedly. I am usually a very social person, but I find I have to be alone to mourn the loss.
Dear Amy:
My brother, who was in his 40s, recently died unexpectedly. I am usually a very social person, but I find I have to be alone to mourn the loss.
I have lovely, generous friends, but they don't seem to understand that I just need to be by myself right now.
I do not want to talk, I do not want visits, I do not want another casserole, and I really do not want to be asked, "Where are you in the grieving process?"
How do I communicate this clearly without seeming ungrateful?
This is probably what your friends are referring to when they inquire about the grieving process. The inquiry is intrusive because it forces you to categorize and perhaps even quantify an experience that is like an unruly river.
If forced to choose a stage of grieving, it sounds to me as though you are at the stage called "Back off, I need some privacy."
Place a hand on your concerned friend's arm. Say, "You are so thoughtful and I appreciate it. But I've got to do this by myself for a while. I'm going to check in with you, but I hope you'll be patient, OK?"
It sounds counterintuitive for me to suggest that you get together with others, especially after you've just decided to go Greta Garbo for a while, but a grief support group could help you.
Listening to strangers describe their grief will give you the language to use. The experience will bind you to others in an important way.
Your local hospital or hospice care center will help you find a nearby group.
Joan Didion's masterful book about her losses, The Year of Magical Thinking (Vintage, 2007), will give you a window into another person's experience with grief; I highly recommend it.