Ask Amy: Sneaky pair should seek therapy

Dear Amy:

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have two teenage children. While we are not blissfully happy, I thought we were finally comfortable with our relationship.

I found out this morning that my husband created a new and secret e-mail account this weekend. He created it while he was at his office "catching up on some work."

Unfortunately, I found out about the secret account by snooping and checking his work e-mail without his knowledge.

I know I should not be doing this, but he cheated on me several years ago, and I can't seem to get past my suspicions.

- Snoopy Gal, Sneaky Guy

Dear Snoopy: It's time for you two to stop your parallel sneaking and snooping and do something together - may I suggest therapy?

Cheating has long-term ramifications for couples, well after the physical cheating may have stopped. Unless partners successfully open their relationship to self-scrutiny while embracing the possibility of doing things very differently, the cheating and suspicion will continue to affect the relationship.

I hope you can look upon this as an opportunity to enter into a new phase of your relationship - one in which you each admit your vulnerabilities, tell each other the unvarnished truth, and make a mutual commitment to be 100 percent in your marriage.

This is very painful, but I'm sure you'll agree you two are at the point where clarity should prevail. Even if you feel you were driven to snooping, you'll need to apologize and ask your husband to help the two of you get a fresh start. This is a conversation best had with the help of a marriage counselor.