Tell Me About It: Time to come clean on an angry lie she told

Question:

I have reconnected with a high school boyfriend. Our breakup, during my junior year, was difficult.

Being furious and young, and believing I'd never see or speak to him again, I told lies concerning him, including telling one of my brothers that the boyfriend was gay.

It's now five years later. We are much more mature and are working to repair the rift while trying to begin a new relationship. It's going well, but the problem is my brother. I mentioned the old boyfriend's name during a conversation with my brother's wife, and my brother had a very negative reaction, which leads me to believe he remembers those awful things I had said.

Now I don't know what to do. The old boyfriend and I are not making any sort of declarations yet. But when the time comes, what do I say to my family other than that I was young and angry, so I lied to get a little revenge for the pain he caused me?

Answer: The problem isn't your brother. The problem is that you were unusually harsh on your ex-boyfriend, and that you've closed the maturity gap only part of the way.

To set the record straight (if you will), it's not enough just to stop telling ugly lies. You have to cross over to full maturity by telling ugly truths, even when the ugliness you expose is your own.

"I understand why you reacted badly when I mentioned (boyfriend's name) - and I'm the reason. I spread lies about him after we broke up. I told myself it was revenge for things he did to me, when in fact I just wanted to convince myself that I was a blameless victim. I realize now I was responsible for my share of the damage, and there was no excuse for what I did to him."

That is what you need to say to your brother - not "when the time comes" (translation: when circumstances force your hand), but now, whether this relationship flies or not.