Time for my second annual UnResolutions column. If you don't remember how this goes, I'm trying to change the way everybody in the world does things.
Now you know why I'm divorced. Twice.
Here's what I mean.
In the real world, everybody makes resolutions for the New Year, i.e., things they don't like about themselves and need to change. For example, I'm chubby, so I resolve not to eat chocolate cake.
Impossible. Wrongheaded. Dumb.
God wouldn't have invented chocolate cake if he didn't want us to eat it. Therefore, ipso fatso, resolutions are a waste of time.
And they're so negative. Why even make mental list of all the things you hate about yourself? Why start the New Year keeping all of your faults firmly in mind?
I have a better idea.
Hence, the UnResolution.
Think back to the things you've been doing this past year that make you happy and that you intend to keep doing. Come up with your own list of UnResolutions, and there's no limit on the number of great things you can think about yourself. In fact, I hope you have a long list of reasons for your own awesomeness. Anything counts, even if it sounds odd or weird. In fact, especially if it sounds odd or weird.
This isn't counting your blessings, exactly. It's more like counting your eccentricities. As you will see below, with mine.
UnResolution Number One: I resolve not to wash my hair. By way of background, I used to wash my hair every day, like the shampoo commercials say, but nowadays, I wash my hair once a week and national holidays. And you know what? It looks better. And not in that too-cool-for-school dirty-hair way, but just healthier. Shinier.
Well, shinier, for sure.
Bottom line, washing your hair everyday isn't great for hair as "highlighted" as mine, which is euphemistic for bleached into blond obedience. So I resolve to keep my hair dirty this year.
Thus ensuring my single status.
UnResolution Number Two. I resolve to keep watching the same movies over and over, because I love them. Now this is going to sound crazy, but I love to have movies on TV while I work, especially movies like The Godfather. I have seen The Godfather probably 145 times, yet I watch it every time cable shows a marathon. Bottom line, one of the great things about living alone is that no one is around to say, "You're not going watch The Godfather again, are you?"
Answer: You're darn tootin.' I'm going to watch it until I have it memorized and then some. And I'm going to love every minute.
And The Godfather's not alone. I'm talking Donnie Brascoe. Mamma Mia. Something's Gotta Give. What About Bob? The Birdcage. There are so many movies I love, and if they're on TV, I'm watching them. And I'm going to keep watching them, over and over, in 2010.
UnResolution Number Three: I resolve to keep my car too clean. I love my car, which now has over 100,000 miles. It's as white as a bar of Ivory soap, and I love how it looks when it's clean, so I get it cleaned a lot. This may be because all I have to do to clean it is sit on my butt and drive it through the car wash. If they had a House Wash, my house would be immaculate.
But to stay on point, when my car is clean, I feel an unaccountable surge in self-esteem. A clean car means that I'm an organized person, even though, at some level, I know I'm really a disorganized person with a clean car. Still, I resolve to keep my car too clean, and not worry that it's becoming a sexual fetish.
UnResolution Number Four. We all know I love my two cats, Mimi and Vivi, and four dogs, Penny, Angie, Ruby the Undedicated Corgi, and Little Tony the Anatomically Incorrect Cavalier. They make me happy every day. I love to walk them, talk to them, and kiss them on the lips. Well, here's some breaking news: This Christmas, I added to the brood, a little female Cavalier puppy named Peach.
And she's a peach.
I know it sounds crazy and weird, but she's already making me happier, sleeping beside my laptop as I write this column.
With the TV on, showing Donnie Brascoe.
Happy New Year!