Dave on Demand: Potential Simon shoe-fillers, some real

O Captain! my Captain! Why have you torpedoed your own boat?

I refer to Simon Cowell and the SS American Idol, TV's biggest cruise ship.

Idol's acerbic arbiter has announced that he will abandon the dominant Fox series after this season. It can't be for greener pastures: Cowell reportedly was offered a contract extension of $144 million a year to stay.

That would work out, by one estimate, to $60,000 a minute. Or roughly 30 times more than Paula Abdul ever made on the show. No wonder Paula left in a huff after Idol refused her a pay bump.

But the disparity makes sense, even if the amounts they're throwing around are obscene. Everyone else on the karaoke contest can (and probably should) be replaced. Simon is the franchise.

So how does Fox even begin to fill supercilious Simon's spot? It's not like finding a new Darrin.

I wracked my brain (luckily, that doesn't take very long) to come up with some likely candidates.

Wouldn't it be great to have Sawyer from Lost on the panel? He's the master of branding people with withering nicknames. Hurley became Stay Puft and Jin was labeled Mr. Miyagi. Imagine the fun Sawyer could have with ripe targets like Anoop Desai and Adam Lambert. Alternate choice: Dr. Greg House.

OK, I let my imagination run away with me. Obviously, we need a real person for this job, not a fictional character. (Randy Jackson actually does exist, doesn't he?)

Let's start with reality TV's Queen of Hearts, Kate Gosselin. Under that smiling facade, Katherine the Grate has a mean streak a mile wide. She'd have those young contestants cowering backstage. Alternate: Omarosa.

From the news and commentary arena, I'd nominate Andy Rooney. The ancient troll is TV's OCP (Original Cranky Pants). Although we might grow tired of Rooney asking singers why they don't sound more like Bing Crosby. Alternate: Bill O'Reilly.

I'm convinced that Simon gets away with his caustic putdowns because he delivers them in that plummy British accent. So my first choice is chef Gordon Ramsay, the Ramses of Rage. He'd start tearing Ryan Seacrest a new piehole every week before the night's first note was sung.

Don't name that tune. It was nice to see Tony Hale (Buster, on Arrested Develepmont) make an appearance, however brief, on the season roll-out of Chuck.

Just before he was snuffed, we saw the new Buy More manager emit a contented sigh when Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" started playing on his car stereo.

That's the most appalling automotive display of bad musical taste since the State Farm commercial with the guy behind the steering wheel lustily singing (and drumming) along to "Point of Know Return" by Kansas.

Hair today. Jeep has the stupidest ad I've seen in a long time. It opens with the voiceover of a fair-haired supermodel being pampered in a chic hair salon saying, "Even after waiting a month for my appointment and spending two hours in the chair. . . . "

Then she goes outside, jumps in an open-air Jeep, and drives away, her hair whipping around in the wind.

Is that a dumb blonde joke? 'Cause it looks like a dumb blonde joke.

Trading up. TNT's Leverage returned this week vastly improved with Jeri Ryan replacing Gina Bellman as the confidence team's role-playing mistress of accents.

It's a big comeback week for former Star Trek hotties. Jolene Blalock (Star Trek: Enterprise) just joined Legend of the Seeker. Ryan was Seven of Nine on Star Trek: Voyager.

The actress is supposed to play the role for only another handful of episodes. But since Bellman is the only part of the show that doesn't work, maybe they can persuade Ryan to stick around.

The soul of wit. Best joke of the week came on 30 Rock, when Liz's newly outed cousin Randy described the small Quaker State town he fled from.

"You know how hard it was growing up gay in Methenburg, Pennsylvania?" he asked. "The local TV station edited Will & Grace down so much, it was just called Karen."