Tell Me About It: Sister's bf has vexing attitude toward ring

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: I was back home recently for a family emergency. In the course of a discussion about my sister's boyfriend, she mentioned he'd said he wouldn't be giving her a ring on her birthday/Christmas/Valentine's Day, because then it would be considered a gift, and if they called things off, he wouldn't get it back.

Nobody seemed fazed by it. I haven't met the guy yet, so I can't tell if this is a sense-of-humor thing that wouldn't bother me if I knew him, or if he has a weird way of approaching things.

I'd say something to my sister, but we have a fraught relationship in this area because of her past comments about guys I've dated. Do I just let it go? Mention something to our mom? Wait and see? Mention something in an e-mail to my sister? We don't normally talk on the phone, so doing so would automatically make this a Big Deal.

- New England expat

Answer: The boyfriend's declaration seems disturbingly jaded. If you were close to your sister, then I'd say you had a near obligation to flag it - but, then, if you were close, then you would have flagged it without having to check with anyone else.

The issue here might not be the boyfriend or even your tense sisterly relationship, but instead the fact that you and your sister are just two very different people. What hits your ears as horrifying is, apparently, to her, an anecdote so reasonable that it wouldn't have occurred to her not to share it.

At this point, unless you have other signs that your sister is (a) poised to walk off a proverbial cliff, and (b) beyond rescuing by anyone but you, I suggest you stay out of it, at least until you're able to meet the guy.

If in the meantime your mom brings the boyfriend up, you can certainly ask what she thinks. Just be sure to listen more than you talk.