Ask Amy: Don't hide surgery from fiancee

Dear Amy:

I'm about to be engaged to a wonderful woman. I have known her for three years. I have been wondering whether I should tell her that I had lap-band surgery for my obesity seven years ago when I was 45.

The surgery allowed me to lose 100 pounds.

I had a subsequent tummy tuck that I lied to my lady about (to explain the scar from the surgery).

My problem with food was volume eating; the band only allows me to eat small portions of food that need to be chewed well, and no fluids can be taken until after meals.

I have never told anyone else, including my family, about this.

My lady is 5-foot-10 and at a good weight, but it took her some time to get used to my eating habits - which include eating less than she does.

But I'm worried. What if some medical issue comes up down the road, and she as my wife finds out about my secret? What will I do if she finds out I lied about my surgeries?

Dear Perplexed: You won't have to worry about your secret, because you are going to tell your lady the truth now - and then you won't have a secret.

Your situation is akin to an alcoholic who doesn't want to disclose this vital piece of information to a partner.

You have not done anything shameful. It is your right to keep this private from other family members, but your future wife should be told about your food addiction and your successful surgeries to deal with it.

Congratulations on maintaining your healthier weight. Surgery doesn't necessarily have a higher success rate than dieting over the long term. Your regimen requires constant vigilance and willpower; this will have an impact on your life together.

Dear Amy: I have a 7-year-old stepson who's with us every other weekend and is somewhat afraid of dogs.

My parents have a good-size pit-bull-mix rescue dog.

The dog has had some form of trauma, and it suffers from severe separation anxiety and cannot be left alone or be confined to a room or yard.

My parents literally do not go out together anymore because someone has to stay home with the dog.

The dog has growled unprovoked at my stepson inside my parents' house, and they ignored this, although my dad did have the dog on a leash.

Now my dad wants to plan "family get-togethers" without my stepson because the dog and child "don't get along."

I'm uncomfortable with this because I consider my stepson my family, even though he's with us part time.

If my husband and I were to have a full-time child, I wouldn't want to expose that child to an undisciplined and possibly dangerous dog.

Is there a way to bring up my concerns to my dad without implying judgment about his seemingly misplaced priorities or negligent dog ownership?

Dear Distressed: Your stepson is part of your family now, and evidently your father needs your help to get the message.

You should ask him to be an understanding granddad and help you to find some positive ways to mentor this child.

If your father is foolish enough to question your commitment to your stepson, tell him it's akin to his commitment to the dog.

If your folks can make some progress with the dog, you can bring your stepson to their home (with constant supervision). Until then, if you want to get them together, you'll have to host one grandparent at a time on other turf. They've created this situation, and it isn't up to you to solve their problem.