Ask Amy: 'Deferential' is as deferential does

Dear Amy:

I'm a supervisor in an educational setting. Recently during a meeting with a group of students and my peers, a student called me "deferential."

The word seems like a negative for me, as though she was telling me I was passive, too quiet, or not as strong as other supervisors. I also objected to her tone, as though she was talking down to me.

I didn't defend myself. I felt weak and insecure, and wished I would have stuck up for myself and asked her what she meant.

My reaction was to do nothing and I don't think this was the best response, though it's pretty normal for me. I was in shock.

Was she wrong to say this to me or was I wrong to be offended and then not to defend myself? What should I have said to put her in her place? I would like to learn how to stand up for myself in an assertive manner.

Dear Angry: By not reacting in the moment, you basically proved this student right.

In a business meeting you can handle discomfort not by confronting but by changing direction: "Let's turn our attention to the matter at hand."

Generally, any personal characterization is out of line at a professional meeting, and the sooner this student learns this, the better.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet or low-key, but if your students are walking over you, you should make some changes. You could script out some statements to make and rehearse your part of the conversation.

I suggest you keep it simple and say, "I'd like to talk to you about a remark you made in front of other students and colleagues. Could you explain your thinking?"

Give the student a chance to respond and listen to what she says.

Then you can say, "I want you to know I didn't appreciate that remark. It was inappropriate, out of line, and embarrassing to both of us."