Dave on Demand: Miss Kitty and girls deserve tip

They almost had me. I was ready to enlist in the navy of NCIS fans (affectionately know as NKissers).

That was after the previous episode, a kicky caper in which my favorite Goth lab rat, Abby, ventured down to Mexico. But I lost my enthusiasm this week as the show reverted to its usual he-man formula.

It was an hour devoted to Tony and Tim trading atrociously artificial tough-guy badinage and Ducky pedantically lecturing corpses. (They're not listening, buddy.)

When Abby did try to insert herself into the plot, Gibbs dismissed her with his customary Dirty Harry whisper-growl: "Not now, Abs."

Abs? How condescending. But then TV, much to its detriment, has always been a macho sandbox. The fact is, almost every show that ever aired could have been improved with a little gender correction.

Let's go all the way back to the iconic Western Gunsmoke. Over time, we all got a little tired of Marshal Dillon dispensing frontier justice to the same old dusty rustlers and claim-jumpers.

Imagine how much more colorful and diverse the show would have been if the focus had been on Miss Kitty and her Long Branch Saloon.

Imagine a cavalcade of cowboy yarns, bar brawls, cardsharps, and honky-tonk music.

Maybe we could even have explored what was going on upstairs. Because it was pretty obvious, if never acknowledged, that the Long Branch was a bordello.

No way Miss Kitty could have afforded her vast, stunning wardrobe just by selling nickel shots of rye to Festus.

Frantic antics. One notable exception to the prime-time fraternity is Desperate Housewives. It's always been an enjoyable mix of light comedy and suburban scandal.

So why does the series keep harping on its weak suit: high-stakes suspense?

This week's typically overwrought season finale jumped between Bree losing her gourmet empire to a sociopathic extortionist, Lynette having her baby delivered by the homicidal maniac who was holding her hostage, and Patrick and Angie being menaced by a vengeful mad bomber.

The Perils of Pauline wasn't this histrionic.

And how about that "shocking" cliff-hanger? The newest homeowner on Wisteria Lane turns out to be bad old Roger. Clearly Marc Cherry and the other D.H. producers find this character far more sinister than we do.

Scary good. As regular readers of "Dave on Demand" know, I haven't been too broken up at the prospect of losing 24.

That was before this week, when Jack, assault rifle blazing, donned that metal mask to abduct President Logan from his armored limo.

So cool. Jack looked like a cross between Iron Man and Friday the 13th's Jason.

Don't leave, Jack. But don't take the mask off, either.

Where'd he come from? Weirdest development of the week came on Wednesday's American Idol results show when they announced the night's big-name guest performers: Justin Bieber and Travis Garland.

Travis who? Apparently, he's the discovery of Perez Hilton, as we were informed when Ryan Seacrest pulled the gossip blogger out of the audience for a live interview.

Couple of questions: When did Hilton become America's talent scout? And how did his amateurish find merit the most sought-after spotlight on TV?

The only possible explanation I can think of for this strange scenario is that Hilton has some nasty dirt on one of the Idol honchos.

Now, you tell us. Lost producers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof popped up on Late Night With David Letterman this week to deliver the Top Ten Lost finale spoilers.

My favorite: "We reveal that the island is a metaphor or an allegory or some crap like that."

Casting notes. This was the week when all the networks unveiled their shows for next fall. The most intriguing description came in Fox's news release for Terra Nova, which it described as "an epic family adventure 85 million years in the making."

I fully expected the next sentence to read: "Starring Abe Vigoda."