Tell Me About It: Wife simmering over chef/husband's fame

Question: Husband is local celebrity chef, who gained fame during our first four years of marriage. This created conflict with "foodie groupies," and my husband's inability to lay down boundaries when they hug, kiss, or hit on him at local events.

I am accused of being jealous and insecure when I mention that it makes me uncomfortable. Duh.

Husband has now received a job offer with even more notoriety and recognition on a national level. I will have to appear with him at social events I despise.

How does one act at such events?

Answer: This isn't about how to act at events. (Duh.) This is about your resentment, and finding a place to put it.

And that, in turn, is about how you can reconcile your husband's delight in his fame with your contempt for it. If you can't be happy for him, and dismiss groupies as a minor annoyance, then his fame will come between you.

I realize that makes it sound as if you're the only one with responsibilities here, which of course is never true in a marriage.

But your husband has made his position clear: He likes the attention. He likes these events. He likes life as a rising star. Admittedly, it sounds as if his way of telling you was petulant and defensive; "Dear, this is the ride of a lifetime, and I want you to enjoy it with me" would have gone over a lot better than "You're just jealous and insecure."

If your husband can't show any sympathy for your discomfort, then maybe it isn't much of a marriage. But I don't think you can demand something you aren't willing to give - and your letter has zero sympathetic words for his good fortune.

It bears repeating that your husband will need to do his part to hear and heed you, a significant variable. But you have the more pressing need to make peace with fame as the third party to your marriage - so you need to speak up.

Collaborating on a solution will boost your confidence in that solution.