Sideshow: Dean's last piano: A granite grand

Country music hero and sausage master Jimmy Dean will be laid to rest - in a grand piano - in a private burial Monday in Richmond, Va.

Dean, 81, who died Sunday at his home in Henrico County, Va., will be entombed in a $350,000, 91/2-foot-long granite piano mausoleum overlooking the James River.

The piano will bear the inscription, "Here lies one hell of a man."

Dean's widow, Donna Meade Dean, says the epitaph was inspired by "Big Bad John," the singer's massive 1961 hit.

"He was the most special human being I've ever known," Donna tells the Richmond Times-Dispatch. "He had the best wit of anyone I ever knew. We made each other laugh. He was the man of my dreams."

Jimmy, who was elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame in February, will be commemorated at a public visitation and open funeral service Sunday at Grove Avenue Baptist Church in Richmond.

How desperate does a multimillion-selling recording artist have to be to resort to marketing his albums on late-night infomercials?

Ask Detroit bad-boy rapper Eminem.

TVGuide.com says Slim Shady has hired Vince Shlomi, best known for his awesome ShamWow and Slap Chop ads, to shill his CD, Recovery.

Admittedly, it's funny. Vince shows the CD has many uses: He smashes tomatoes with it and uses it as a drink coaster. Cut the disc in half, he adds, and it's a food slicer and chopper!

London tab the Daily Mail has published photos of the sublime Spanish sex goddess Penélope Cruz, 36, and her genius-actor bf of three years, Javier Bardem, flaunting their love in Hawaii. "I share this joy with my friend, my companion, my love: Penélope, I owe you a lot and I love you so much," Bardem said last month as he accepted a best-actor prize for Biutiful.

Tom Cruise hostage Katie Holmes is raising some serious - serious - eyebrows with her pronouncements in People mag about the passionate, sexy, heated love that is her marriage to Tom. (Wait, so it's not a sham?)

Asked if Tom, who was so dancerrific at the MTV Movie Awards, ever trips the light fantastic with her at home, Katie says, "Oh, all the time. We're constantly showing each other moves, and we break out into a dance on occasion if a good song comes on, sure!" Eeeewww!

Zac Efron, 22, and Jennifer Love Hewitt, 31, top People's 50 Most Amazing Bodies special issue, which reads like a menu at an all-service brothel. Zac, who has been dubbed the year's "best chest," beat out Common, Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Phillippe, and Kellan Lutz.

Ghost Whisperer's Hewitt, who in January told George Lopez she decorates her, um, anatomy with colorful sparkles, says she's getting over her negative body-image issues. "I'm starting to love it," she says of her bod. "Not in love yet, but I'm falling in love with my body."

MSNBC and Fox News say ABC's The View has pulled its ads from Perez Hilton's blog after the celeb gossiper and wannabe celeb posted a photo of underage teenybopper Miley Cyrus, 17, in a compromising pose sans underpants.

Hilton took the photo down within hours and posted a video apology, saying he didn't "want to go to jail," ostensibly on child-porn charges.

Some random legal expert tells Fox News it's unlikely authorities will pursue the matter.

On a lighter note, the Daily Mail says Miley is so taken with her iPad, she spent nine hours in a Manhattan hair salon fiddling with it.

Drat! Philly's favorite daughter, Kate Gosselin, is not developing a dating show for ABC. (Dude, I was lining up.) A network rep tells E! News that Life & Style's report about the show is untrue. . . . Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David tells the New York Post that rumors his ex-wife Laurie and former Veep Al Gore were romantically entangled are "complete nonsense." . . . The Golf Channel has announced that cuddly conservative teddy bear Rush Limbaugh, 59, will follow Charles Barkley and Ray Romano as a guest on The Haney Project. On the show, Tiger Woods' former coach, Hank Haney, gives golf tips to celebs. . . . "It's a fantastic responsibility," 28 Days Later helmer Danny Boyle said Thursday of his appointment as the artistic director of the 2012 London Olympics. . . . Rotund thesp John Goodman told David Letterman on Wednesday night his struggles with weight gain have been so dire, his all-time high was "pushing 400" pounds. He vowed he will continue losing weight, but added, "I'm not going to look like Paris Hilton or anything."

Ben Ford tells People he is tickled pink his pa, Harrison Ford, 67, and kookier-than-thou TV thesp Calista Flockhart, 45, finally tied the knot after eight years. "Those crazy kids went off and eloped!" he says.

The pair wed Tuesday in a super-secret ceremony at New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson's Santa Fe mansion. Their adopted son, Liam, 9, was present. This is the first marriage for Flockie, who graduated from Shawnee High School in Medford Township in '83. Ford previously was wed to Mary Marquardt and Melissa Mathison.