Tell Me About It: Agonizing over a bachelor-party stripper

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: My fiance and his buddies are planning his bachelor party in Atlantic City and I hope will spend their time playing poker and hanging out. I know it's common for guys to hire strippers, but I am absolutely disgusted by the thought of him watching/touching/getting lap-danced by some naked girl. I have told him this and I think he gets it, but he won't really be planning it himself.

This is making me crazy. To the point that when he left his e-mail open the other day I actually searched for the word stripper. And you know what came up? An e-mail he sent back to his best man about planning the party (+/- stripper). I think he sent the e-mail before I spoke up, but still. I am violating his privacy and driving myself nuts. Please help.

Answer: Please figure out who you are, and then start living as that person. Once you have a fix on your identity, use it to form a consistent philosophy on the stripper thing, be it:

(1) If he gets a lap dance at his party, so be it, it's just a stupid rite of passage (or a rite of stupid passage); or,

(2) He said he understands how I feel, and I trust him not to sneak around and get a lap dance anyway, or I wouldn't be marrying him; or,

(3) I voiced my objections, and I know he'll probably go anyway, but I said my piece, and besides, it's more his buddies' thing than his, and he might as well have this stupid fun; or,

(4) When I voiced my objections, I think he "yes-deared" me and plans to go anyway, which suggests he's too weak to own what he's doing, which I find abhorrent, so the wedding is off; or,

(5) Am I seriously marrying a guy who feels the need for a bachelor party? Maybe the problem isn't the strippers, it's that I'm marrying someone with all the maturity of a frat pledge.

Whatever it is, you need to own it - and by that I mean your behavior as well as your stance on his.