Ask Amy: She wants family off her team

Dear Amy:

There is a family I am not particularly fond of because they have disrespected me many times. My husband knows how I feel about them.

My son and their son are friends, and my husband insists on putting their son on his baseball teams. But I have had enough. After this season, I'd like to sever all ties with these people. This might mean the boys can't be friends anymore.

What do you think?

Dear Enough: Your husband is the coach, so he has discretion about fielding the team.

This child doesn't seem to have done anything to deserve your wrath, and so he should not be punished because of a sour relationship you have with his parents.

You have a choice to make. Either you can suck it up and demonstrate to your son, their son, and anyone else involved that you are an adult and know how to behave well - or you can be punitive and small, and punish a child for the sins of his parents.

Dear Amy: My independent, 25-year-old son has a roommate from college, Brad, who has visited my home hundreds of times. He is pleasant and courteous, and we like him very much. He has been invited for Christmas meals and family events.

He uses my guest room and shower, and I make them dinner and let them both entertain their friends and girlfriends in my nice home.

Brad seems to always be strapped for cash and has asked my son for his hand-me-down clothing that I've put aside for charity. Yet he can afford his own apartment, beer, and tech equipment.

Never has he brought me so much as a flower, a plant, or a bottle of wine (he always says thank you, though).

My son defends him and says he has no money - but boy, he really does take, take, take. I think he has no class.

Everyone has told me to stop being so nice, but I don't want to offend my son because I worry he will never come around again. This young man is nice. It's a shame he's so cheap.

Dear Hostess: Because of your generosity, this young man has become a de facto family member. So treat him like the adult family member he has become and be honest about your expectations.

At the end of your next shared meal, say, "Brad, I'm going to let you and Joe clean up tonight. Could you two clear the table, take care of the dishes, and start the coffee?"

The next time he uses your guest room, ask him to please strip the sheets from the bed and put them and the towels into the wash.

You are going to teach this very nice young man how to demonstrate his gratitude by pulling his weight around the house so you won't feel so put-upon (your son should also be doing these things, by the way).

And if he wants castoff clothes, then for goodness' sake, let him have them.

Once you've established a more comfortable rapport, you can say, "You know, Brad, a box of cookies or bottle of wine every now and then sure would be nice."