Tell Me About It: If she doesn't get sympathy, she gets angry

Question:

I have a friend who lost a parent during her high school years. I wonder if I am being insensitive about the issue because I never knew the parent. I was not in the picture then.

Each year she wants to be surrounded by her friends on the anniversary of her mother's death, which is understandable. What gets me is that she sits there and waits for all her closest friends to acknowledge it in some way.

If anyone close to her forgets, she is angry and put out by it. In one case, one of our closest friends was on vacation and did not send any regards until late in the evening and via text message. She pushed that friend away, leaving me in the middle. The friend made numerous attempts to contact her after returning home, but she would not hear an apology. Am I being insensitive to think that she is overreacting?

Answer: Just because someone's circumstances are worthy of your sympathy doesn't mean everything she does is worthy of your respect.

I don't want to say your friend is milking her pain - I'm sympathetic too, after all - but she is using it to justify controlling, punitive, and self-absorbed behavior. And, every one of you who follows her orders by expressing to-the-letter condolences is an accessory to that behavior.

Your friend appears to have a significant amount of emotional work to do, particularly in recognizing and respecting boundaries; clearly she sees no problem with pushing her problems and feelings to the top of everyone else's agenda.

Standing up to her is a compassionate, necessary, and long-term investment, but it's likely to wreak short-term havoc on your friendship.