Tell Me About It: Coping with a mother's conditional love

Question:

Through extensive counseling over the last six months, I've discovered I was loved "conditionally" as a child - much more conditionally than my sister, who toed the line and did everything she was expected. When I rebelled or simply chose another path, I was held at arm's length, and this still occurs (my sister and I are in our 40s).

I still grapple with that longing for the mom who will love me no matter what. I don't feel this longing all the time, just now and then. I don't expect my mother to change, but feel that for my own peace of mind I have to let it go. Can you help me?

Answer: I might be able to help you with a misconception about your past. I think you're missing that your sister was loved just as conditionally as you were. She merely chose to meet the conditions, and therefore received a love allotment that reflected this choice. You chose not to meet the conditions, and so received a smaller allotment.

Obviously, both of you were ill-served by that system, and you showed it by your reactions: Both her favor-currying and your authority-bucking are normal responses to a punitive environment.

Likewise, showing love conditionally to one's children is a typical, if unfortunate, response to having grown up in a punitive environment oneself. Were/are your mother's parents tough on her?

Following this trail of bread crumbs isn't going to take you to the Land of Unconditional Love. But there's a good chance it will take you to the Land of Seeing Your Mom as a Complete Person, rather than as an outsize emotional force.

It also can help you see what she might have been trying for. There's actually a fine line between raising good kids by rewarding good behavior (a widely endorsed and encouraged approach to child-rearing) and raising resentful children by using rewards to manipulate them.

Such fine lines can be hard for any parent to discern, on the fly with young children in a charged situation, when it comes time to give hugs or discipline. Seeing the way your mother was damaged herself (as is most likely the case) doesn't erase her mistakes - adult responsibility attaches at some point, no matter how bad the circumstances of one's childhood - but it can explain her, humanize her, and therefore narrow your expectations of her into a more realistic range.

In the best case, it can even fuel a rewarding impulse to mind her feelings, even while rightly holding her responsible for the harm she did to yours. It's a complicated dance, but, then, that's how most dances are.