Tell Me About It: Looks fine online - is he really?

Question:

Aside from hiring a P.I., how can I tell if a guy who looks fine on a major dating site is in fact OK? (I don't mean nice per se, but like . . . not a felon, on abuse registry, con man.) I am not a worrywart but I am not comfortable.

Answer: Remember, the people you meet in person who aren't friends of friends, established colleagues, your mom's friend's kid, etc., are strangers, just like the people online. Seeing one in, say, the supermarket checkout line does give your senses more useful information than ads do - but taking some obvious precautions can allow you to meet an online prospect in person and let your senses get to work.

Getting to know someone from scratch requires the same process it always has. You still have to take your time, be skeptical, pay attention to small things, meet his friends and family, introduce your friends and get their takes on him, listen to the way he talks about himself, you, other people, and I could go on. It's something we all do regularly without thinking a whole lot about it.

Where online dating does introduce risk is in enabling people to get lost in a crowd. If you're in a town with a dozen or two places to hang out, someone can be a jerk for just so long, to just so many people, before everyone knows s/he's a jerk. Online dating allows people to outrun the reputation-forming process, at least for a lot longer than was possible without it.

A long online-banter phase can also lull you into thinking you know someone better than you really do. But that just means you account for these risks as you go.