Tell Me About It: Spouse won't admit secret pal

Question:

Is it OK for a husband or wife to have a secret friend of the opposite sex?

I have found proof within our computer's history that contact has been going on for at least three years. They met at work. Whenever I try to broach the subject, I get screamed at and told that I have no idea what I am doing with a computer, therefore I am wrong.

Coincidentally, whatever proof I found gets deleted after our conversation. I check the history the next day.

They are probably just friends, but I don't know what to do. I have become moody, paranoid, stressed ... the irony is, my spouse keeps complaining about my mood.

I have found myself not believing my spouse in other instances, like why s/he is home late from work. My spouse might be telling the truth - but I can't get past the secret friend. Is it OK for a spouse to have a secret friend?

Answer: How much more of the truth, exactly, do you feel you need to hear?

You know your spouse is hiding someone from you and lying about it; would rather scream at you and malign your competence than dignify you with the truth; isn't trustworthy; is complaining about your role in the marriage while steering substantial attention outside of it.

You know you're a wreck.

So you know that secret friends aren't "OK," and that, even if there isn't one, the way you're being treated isn't "OK."

Stop snooping, and say: "I've seen how much contact you have with X, so please don't pretend you're not close. I ask that you dignify me with the truth, so I can see whether I need to find a good therapist or a good attorney." If you just get screamed at again, then get both.