Sideshow: Randy Travis charged with DUI

He was naked. He was taking a nap. He was freakish. Spooky. Weird. And drunk.

Yes, it has been confirmed by dozens of tireless journos and hours of sleepless reporting, research, and probably even a few seances: Randy Travis was nakedweirdnappingfreakydrunk when he was arrested and charged with DUI after running his 1998 Pontiac Trans Am into barricades in a construction zone in North Texas.

In the latest news, the 911 call that led cops to the singer has been released. "Hello. On the road from 377 to Valley View, and I just found a guy laying on the road," the caller says.

Asks the operator, "Are you OK?" Answers the caller, "I'm spooked out."

Travis, 53, was definitely shirtless, possibly sans pants also, when he was found taking a nap on the side of the road. He was stark naked when he arrived at the police station.

Police say they do not know how his state of undress came about or how he sustained a black eye. "That's just the way he was brought into our jail," Sgt. Ricky Wheeler of the Grayson County Sheriff's Department tells ABC News. Wheeler says Randy was taken into custody and "threatened to kill two of the troopers."

For that bit of charm, Travis has been charged with felony counts of retaliation and obstruction, on top of the DUI misdemeanor. If found guilty of the felonies, he could get up to 10 years in prison and/or a fine of up to $10,000. Travis, who reportedly has been going downhill since he divorced his wife of 19 years, Elizabeth Travis, in 2010, was released Wednesday on $21,500 bail. He was issued paper clothing and, CBS News says, a U-Texas ball cap.

The Point Pleasant Beach (N.J.) Council unanimously voted to ban the filming within town limits of MTV's Jersey Shore spin-off, Snooki & JWoww. The series, which features novelist Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and BFF Jennifer "JWoww" Farley, also has been thrown out for good from nearby Toms River. . . . Stanley Tucci and Emily Blunt are about to become in-laws. USA Today reports that Tucci, 51, has married, on the sly, Blunt's sis, British literary agent Felicity Blunt, who is 30 or 31 years old, depending on the source. Tucci's wife of 14 years, Kathryn Louise Spath, died of breast cancer in 2009. . . . "I always said I would rather lick a dirty floor than go back to dating," radically slimmed-down divorcee Jennie Garth tells Fox News' Fox & Friends. Garth, who split from thesp Peter Facinelli in March after 11 years of marriage, says, Dating "is very new for me. I have training wheels on right now."

The death of an artist doesn't just leave behind an emotional and aesthetic void. It also carves out within the soul an absence-filled longing for more artworks. Thus, the hyperbolic headlines coming out of London about a tremendous cache of compositions - well, a 1 1/2-page, hand-scrawled note - by late blues belter Amy Winehouse. "I have this dream to be very famous. To work on stage. It's a lifelong ambition," writes Amy in passages excerpted by In Touch Weekly. "I want people to hear my voice and just . . . forget their troubles for five minutes."

Meanwhile, Amy's ex-husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is on life support after being rushed to a hospital near his home in West Yorkshire, England, suffering from multiple organ failure. London's Daily Mail says Fielder-Civil, 30, a recovering addict, was found by his gf, Sarah Aspin, choking on his vomit after a reported drinking-and-drug binge. He was put into a medically induced coma to allow his body to recover. "The doctors say they don't know the prognosis," Sarah, mother of Fielder-Civil's 15-month-old son, Jack, tells London's The Sun. "I'm praying he'll survive."

"Oh, I do that every day," The Hurt Locker star and all-around dude Jeremy Renner tells People about his home-improvement chores. "It was a fence to keep the adventurous puppies in. And last thing I fixed was a sprinkler head. . . . Real sexy, isn't it?" Oh, yeah.

Renner, 41, who takes up the Jason Bourne legacy with, er, The Bourne Legacy, has a penchant for doing good deeds. Last time he paid it forward? "I told some girl that she had toilet paper stuck to her high heel," says the guy who played a creepily convincing serial killer in Dahmer. "That's kind of embarrassing, so I figured I should tell her." Oh, yeah. The Tony Gilroy-helmed Bourne Legacy opens Friday. Yep.

What's the best way to show your girlfriend you love her? Address her with a grossly misogynistic canine epithet!

Thus, Kanye West's declaration this week that he has written a song devoted to his fantastic p.r.-booster of a gf, Kim Kardashian.

"I wrote the song 'Perfect Bitch' about Kim," Kanye tweets. NME.com says the track samples Carl Orff's 1937 composition Carmina Burana, one of, like, three classical pieces we low-cult denizens know.

We've stayed away from this absurd, borderline racist Gabby Douglas hair story out of decorum. (Even "SideShow" draws the line somewhere.) Gabby says she's sick of it. "They have no idea what they're talking about," the 16-year-old gold medalist tells Us Weekly about the constant stream of negative comments about her hairstyle. "You sweat and all the gel and hair spray comes out. Even if we did fix our hair, our coach would be like, 'This is not a beauty pageant! Leave it alone.' " Yeah, I mean what's wrong with you people?