WE COULD HAVE sworn that

Ted Haggard

's 15 minutes were up.

Unfortunately, the ex-evangelist still feels the need to proclaim to the world that he's a repentant straight man.

But where to go when you've already blabbed about your bi-sex life to Oprah, Larry King and an HBO documentary, and your former flock still isn't flocking?

The answer: "Divorce Court."

We really thought that this was a joke when copy editor Karin Berry informed us of the pastor's plans, but, alas.

Haggard and his wife, Gayle, who stood up for him even after he stood up for men, were in L.A. this week taping an appearance on the syndicated show, to be broadcast nationally April 1.

How could this not be an April Fool's joke?

Because the Haggards are turning "Divorce Court" into "Don't Divorce Court."

The "Divorce Court" judge, Lynn Toler, is interviewing the couple about how their marriage survived Ted's outing by a male prostitute from Denver in November 2006, executive producer Mark Koberg said.

The Haggards, of course, say that their marriage and Christian faith are stronger than ever, and they want people to know that divorce is not the answer.

"This is part of Ted's journey," Gayle said. "It's made him a better man. I see what has happened as a divine rescue."

The Haggards will be paid an undisclosed amount for their "Divorce Court" appearance.

Tattbits

* "Up," the next big animated hit from Disney-Pixar, has been chosen as the May 13 opening night premiere for this year's Cannes Film Festival.

It becomes the first Disney film to open Cannes, the first animated film to open Cannes and the first 3-D film to open Cannes.

Good thing animated characters can't feel pressure.

* The Hollywood Reporter says that VH1 is reviving "Behind the Music," the only program that Tattle ever watched on VH1.

Lil Wayne and Scott Weiland are the first two performers to sign on.

"It felt like the time is right," said Jeff Olde, a VH1 exec for original programming. "There's all sorts of new artists on the scene who have emerged and have these great stories. And there's other artists that we always wanted to do the first time around."

* Baltimore's public art commission hopes to erect a bust of Frank Zappa in the bohemian Fels Point neighborhood.

The bust is a gift from Zappa fans in Lithuania and is a replica of one in Vilnius, Lithuania's capital. Zappa was born in Baltimore.

* Tattle thinks that a bust of Salma Hayek would draw more tourists, but they may have to settle for Salma playing Adam Sandler's wife in a comedy with the Adam Sandler Players - Kevin James, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider and David Spade.

The Hollywood Reporter says that the movie will be about five best friends from high school who reunite over a holiday weekend.

And learn that they all became comedians?

We can think of no place good that a scene with Hayek, Spade and Schneider can go, but would it surprise anyone if the two "men" show up in diapers?

* The Hollywood Reporter also says that Ellen DeGeneres will play Mother Nature in an as yet untitled comedy.

Guess this proves that the earth is a test-tube baby. *

Daily News wire services contributed to this report.

Send e-mail to gensleh@phillynews.com