Famous authors' band will perform at library fund-raiser

"OUR BAND IS kind of like a dog that walks on its hind legs," said Dave Barry, lead guitarist of the Rock Bottom Remainders. "It's not so much about whether the dog does it well. It's about the fact that he does it at all."

Barry, the nationally famous humor columnist who has been rocking with the Remainders for 18 years, will join his ragtag band of fellow authors at the Electric Factory on Thursday for an 8 p.m. concert benefiting the Free Library of Philadelphia and the libraries of the Philadelphia School District.

Sadly, Philly will not experience Stephen King's haunting vocals on "Werewolves of London," as Remainders' audiences have in the past.

But the $35 ticket will feature Amy "The Joy Luck Club" Tan singing "It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To," James "The Color of Water" McBride on sax, Mitch "Tuesdays with Morrie" Albom on the keyboards, best-selling mystery authors Greg Iles and Ridley Pearson on guitars, Southern humorist Roy Blount Jr. on backup vocals and hand claps, and enough ringer musicians to almost bring the Remainders up to bar band level.

"In 1993, we were in Atlanta," said Remainders' founder/vocalist Kathi Kamen Goldmark, "and the doorman from the hotel, a big strappy guy, said to us, 'I was at your show last night. You guys get down - but not that far.' "

Two years earlier, Goldmark, whose day job was escorting famous authors to media interviews and book signings, and whose passion was singing in a country bar band, sent a fax to a dozen writers asking if they wanted to rock the 1992 BookExpo America in Anaheim, Calif.

"Whoever said 'yes' to Kathi's fax was in the band," Barry explained. "It was just like the Rolling Stones got started."

The height of Barry's rock 'n' roll career before his gigs with the Remainders was playing lead guitar in his Haverford College band, the Federal Duck.

"We played the blues," Barry said soulfully. "We were all white guys from the suburbs, so you know we had the blues."

Reaching down through the years to his musical roots, Barry suddenly started to moan a blues riff from back in the day at Haverford College: "Oh, I got a 'B' in Poli Sci," he wailed. "Think I'm gonna die."

Although, as a Remainder, Barry puts his signature vocals on other people's songs - his leads on "If the House is A-Rockin' Don't Bother Knockin' " and "Wild Thing" are YouTube classics - he remembers giving song writing a try during his early years as a humor columnist for The Daily Local in West Chester, Chester County.

"I wrote a song about Tupperware once," Barry said proudly. "Called it 'The Tupperware Blues.' Sang it during what was one of the more successful Tupperware parties ever. A lot of guys from The Daily Local. A lot of beer being consumed. Nothing in the fridge but what looked like half a can of transmission fluid and a Tupperware deviled egg transporter.

"You know how you make your deviled eggs and you put them on a plate but when you go to put them in the fridge, they all kind of slide around and get smooshed together? Not with a Tupperware deviled egg transporter.

"The Tupperware lady actually showed up at the party, took one look around and tried to leave because she was scared," Barry said. "I told her, 'No, no. Stay. I wrote a song.' I sang 'The Tupperware Blues.' And I could see, all the guys were moved. Very drunk. And very moved."

The highlight of Barry's 18 years of Remainders gigs was playing one song with Bruce Springsteen.

"I don't know what he was doing backstage at the American Booksellers Association convention in Los Angeles," Barry said, "but we had one song left, 'Gloria,' - 'G-L-O-R-I-A' - and someone said he wanted to play with us.

"I had no time to think, so I handed my guitar to him and I actually said to Bruce Springsteen, 'Do you know 'Gloria'? I mean, the reason we play 'Gloria' is it's so simple, you could throw your guitar down on the ground and it would pretty much play 'Gloria' all by itself. And I'm asking Bruce Springsteen, 'Do you know 'Gloria'?' And Bruce said, 'Yeah, I think so.' "

Afterward, Barry couldn't resist asking The Boss what he thought of the Rock Bottom Remainders. "You guys aren't bad," Springsteen replied, "but don't get any better 'cause then you'll just be another bad band.' "

As the Remainders, who only do one brief tour a year, gained notoriety, and real rock stars like Warren Zevon and Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn showed up to play with them, Goldmark found herself with an unexpected dilemma - Remainders wannabes.

One day, Scott "Presumed Innocent" Turow said to Goldmark, "You know, Kathi, everybody our age who wasn't invited to be in that band bears a wound."

"What do you play?" Goldmark asked.

"I don't play anything," Turow said. "I didn't know you had to play something."

Goldmark made him a Remainderette. Turow joyfully joined Goldmark and Tan to belt out the choruses of classics like "Who Wears Short Shorts?"

Turow will help rock the Electric Factory but chances are Maya "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" Angelou won't.

"Maya Angelou claims she's in the band," Goldmark said, "although she's never sung with the band. Whenever she's asked by a reporter, she always says, 'Oh, yeah, I'm in the band.' I adore her. We've been friends for 25 years. But Maya Angelou has never sung with the Rock Bottom Remainders."

Tan, on the other hand, can't get enough of the Remainderettes.

"Turns out, she had always wanted to be the cool rock 'n' roll girl when she was in high school," Goldmark said. "She was the first one to join in 1991. Then she said, 'Let's go shopping.' She loves the costumes, loves the wigs."

This does not sound like Amy Tan, classy literary author. "She's a goofball," Goldmark confided. "She's the practical joker of the band. She's the one who shows up with the two-headed quarter, bets everybody for a hot dog, and always wins."