Balancing Act: No One Eats Alone Day targets social isolation at school

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Laura Talmus' daughter, Lili Smith, was born in 1994 with Apert syndrome, a rare genetic disorder.

She lived a rich and beautiful life, but it ended after just 15 years, when complications from the disease took her quickly and unexpectedly.

"She was always searching and learning," Talmus said in her daughter's 2009 eulogy. "Always baring her soul looking for the deepest connection possible."

She often found it — striking up spirited conversations with neighbors, family friends, strangers.

"We tooled about town, running errands, just me and Lil," Talmus recalled in her eulogy. "Everyone knew her. She could have run for public office and won."

But it was different at school. She wasn't teased or bullied; she was just ignored.

"While we thought Lili was beautiful and fun and crazy social, she started hitting a really bad time in middle school," Talmus, who lives in Marin County, Calif., told me. "I never thought about social isolation until she passed away and one of her teachers put those two words together. My heart leapt out of my chest and I thought, 'That's exactly what Lili went through.'"

Talmus, with her husband, Ace Smith, gathered a group of Lili's former classmates and started talking — about social isolation, about middle school, about kids who eat lunch alone every day.

The year after Lili died, the couple founded Beyond Differences http://www.beyonddifferences.org/ , a nonprofit organization made up of teenagers who encourage their peers to combat social isolation in their own schools so that more kids feel welcome and accepted.

On Feb. 13, the group is sponsoring National No One Eats Alone Day, a student-led initiative that asks kids to make sure everyone has someone to eat with and talk to. Schools can sign up online (http://www.nooneeatsalone.org/welcome/ ) to request a free backpack stuffed with conversation cards and other tools to help students participate.

"We're trying to blanket the United States," Talmus said. "We're in 26 states so far — 140 schools have signed up for backpacks. We're hoping to get into 250 or 300."

This is the event's second year.

"Different schools approach it in so many creative ways," Talmus said. "We went to one school in East Oakland last year that set aside specific tables for kids to talk about different things — one table to talk about movies, one to talk about video games, one for sports. The kids were so engaged and having so much fun laughing together."

I talked to Lily Moser, a freshman at Redwood High School in Larkspur, Calif., and a Beyond Differences teen board member, about her involvement with the group.

"I've seen the effects of social isolation on people I care about," she said. "The looks people have when they're sitting alone — they look so lonely, and I feel like no one should ever feel alone."

I asked if grown-ups ever tell her that none of this teenage social stuff will matter when she's older. (A sentiment I reject.)

"You change a lot in middle school and high school," she said. "You can change for the better, or you can change for the worse. If you have factors like social isolation or depression working against you, it can really influence where you go from there."

Edyn Jensen, a sophomore at Larkspur's Tamiscal High School and fellow Beyond Differences board member, played with Lili Smith when they were little.

"Everything seemed OK until it was too late for me to do anything," she said. "The biggest thing for me was always being that bystander, where I didn't think it was my problem to get involved if someone was being bullied or isolated. Now I just want everyone to feel safe and accepted at school."

Sandy Hook Promise http://www.sandyhookpromise.org/ , founded after the 2012 school shootings in Newtown, Conn., selected No One Eats Alone Day as its "promise day" event for February. (The gun safety advocacy group partners with different nonprofits throughout the year.)

Talmus said she reached out to Sandy Hook Promise after reading a quote in The New York Times from the father of a shooting victim.

"He said the shooter was probably a kid who sat by himself every day, and if his son were still alive, he was the type of kid who would have reached out to kids who sat by themselves."

There is nothing in the world that will make that quote less heartbreaking.

There is nothing in the world that will fill the space on Earth where Lili is supposed to be.

The world is a lesser place for those losses. But we can make it a better place in their honor.

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(Contact Heidi Stevens at hstevens@tribpub.com , or on Twitter: @heidistevens13.)

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