Stu Bykofsky: A little Valentine’s Day advice, from the Master of Love himself
THIS ONE'S JUST for the guys. (Chicks, go straight to Jenice Armstrong's column on Page 43.) Guys, if you haven't yet bought your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/soul mate/squeeze a Valentine's gift, two things will happen:
THIS ONE'S JUST for the guys. (Chicks, go straight to Jenice Armstrong's column on Page 43.)
Guys, if you haven't yet bought your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/soul mate/squeeze a Valentine's gift, two things will happen:
You will be screwed, but you won't get screwed. She'll be cold as John McCain at a Rush Limbaugh pig roast.
Unless . . . you listen to Your Favorite Columnist, the Master of the Moves of Love. There's time to rescue your hopes of a romantic rendezvous.
Right now, run out and buy a dozen red roses. "Red" symbolizes "romance," and also your bank balance because the flora that cost $12 yesterday is $20 or more today. And I mean right now because a bunch of other dopes are doing the same thing.
It's too late for reservations at a romantic restaurant so tell her you will cook for her. (The food may taste like a Duraflame log, but it gives her bragging rights with girl friends.) During appetizers (baby carrots and my special dip - mayonnaise mixed with Count Chocula) pump her so full of cabernet she won't know dinner is actually Lean Cuisine. (You must "plate" it. Plastic trays are a giveaway.)
After the roses, stop for candy in a heart-shaped box. (CVS will do - and you can put the Extra Care points toward the purchase of the aromatic lady-killer, Old Spice.) Be sure you like the candy because the Lady in Your Life will take a test bite out of a piece, moan that her ass is too big, then push the box toward you.
If her ass is too big, try the Lane Bryant lingerie section. No time for mail order, it's now male order. It's OK to point because the clerks deal with a lot of mokes who don't know the right names of things. There are a dozen styles of panties alone, so no worries if you're tongue-tied about bra sizes and styles. (The balconette is my favorite, but the straps cut into my shoulders).
For her self-esteem, buy everything a size too big. Tear out the tag and tell her it's a size smaller. That'll get her engine racing like a Formula One car.
Special warnings:
* If she says your love is enough, she wants no gift, DO NOT BELIEVE HER.
* Rubber toys are not a main gift. Anything from the Pleasure Chest is a gag gift (pun intended).
* If you buy her a "day of beauty" at a salon, tell her, "You deserve this." Do not say, "You need this."
* Nothing you buy her today should carry the swelegant Black and Decker logo. Practical gifts are unwelcome.
So you've got the customary stupid roses and stupid sweets and stupid lingerie. Don't forget the lame Valentine cards. Get one that's funny but also - this is important - one dripping syrupy sentimentality. You know, the ones that use words like "only" and "you" and "love" and "genital itch." Splurge. In the female mind, a $5 Valentine's card is 100 times better than a $1 card (Don't even think of the "2-for-$1" special).
If you have more than one girlfriend (or wife, if you're Mormon), use the correct name on each card. If you're error-prone, resort to pet names like "Honey" or or "Jabba" or "Condoleezza" on all of them.
Under no circumstances should you address the Valentine card to "My dear current wife."
Finally, you need a killer, extravagant gift.
Beats there a female heart so stony it cannot be cracked by fire (gold) or ice (diamonds)?
Jewelry (which is impractical) hits women harder than the Old Spice you bought at CVS.
Since no man ever knows a ring size, get her a chain.
From Tiffany, not Pep Boys. *
E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. For recent columns: