John Baer: Almost like a real debate, just out of context
IN LIEU of Hillary Clinton's Lincoln/Douglas-style debate with Barack Obama, which clearly ain't happening, here's an alternative - I mean, come on, Lincoln and Douglas spoke for an hour at a time.
IN LIEU of Hillary Clinton's Lincoln/Douglas-style debate with Barack Obama, which clearly ain't happening, here's an alternative - I mean, come on, Lincoln and Douglas spoke for an hour at a time.
I'll serve as moderator.
BAER: Senators, welcome. You've been at each other pretty good. Howya' feelin' these days?
CLINTON: I'm absolutely honored to be here with Barack Obama (Texas debate Feb. 21).
OBAMA: You're likable enough, Hillary (New Hampshire debate Jan. 5).
BAER: Rev. Wright's back in the news. You like?
OBAMA: You know pastors are imperfect (Messiah College forum April 13).
CLINTON: Shame on you, Barack Obama. It is time you run a campaign consistent with your message (Ohio news conference Feb. 23).
BAER: Ohh-kay. What about the economy?
CLINTON: It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and I think it might take another one to clean up after the second Bush (L.A. debate Jan. 31).
OBAMA: Senator Clinton showed some good humor there. I would give her points for delivery (Cleveland debate Feb. 26).
BAER: Huh?
OBAMA: I think the American people are desperate for change. If we can change Washington, we can solve problems (Williamsport event April 18).
CLINTON: That's, I think, a very simple proposition . . . not change you can believe in, it's change you can Xerox (Texas debate Feb. 21).
OBAMA: I think we should always cooperate with our allies and sovereign nations in making sure they are rooting out terrorists organizations (Cleveland debate Feb. 26).
CLINTON: And I was fighting against those ideas when you were practicing law and representing your contributor, Resco, in his slum-landlord business in inner-city Chicago (South Carolina debate Jan. 21).
BAER: Wait, I think we're going off topic here. What happens to candidates to make them act this way?
OBAMA: They get bitter; they cling to guns or religion (San Francisco fundraiser April 6).
CLINTON: My dad taught me how to shoot behind our cottage . . . (Indiana event April 12) [and] I have, ever since I was a little girl, felt the presence of God in my life (Messiah College forum April 13).
OBAMA: You were a corporate lawyer sitting on the board of Wal-mart (South Carolina debate Jan. 21).
CLINTON: I'm embarrassed by it. I've apologized for it. I've said it was a mistake. And it is, I hope, something that you can overlook because, clearly, I am proud that I went to Bosnia (Philadelphia debate April 16).
BAER: Bosnia?
CLINTON: I seem to get the first question all the time. And I don't mind . . . but I do find it curious . . . maybe we should ask Barack if he's comfortable and needs another pillow (Cleveland debate Feb. 26).
OBAMA: That's what I love about this country (Philadelphia debate April 16).
BAER: How come there's never any talk about Bill and Monica?
CLINTON: It is perhaps a reluctance on my part that is rooted in my personal reserve . . . I understand you want to ask a lot of personal questions and I appreciate that (Messiah College forum April 13).
OBAMA: If they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby (Johnstown, March 29).
BAER: You both said some goofy things in this campaign.
CLINTON: I misspoke (Daily News editorial board March 24).
OBAMA: Misspoke (Daily News editorial board April 14).
BAER: All-righty then, what happens now?
CLINTON: Let's just get everybody together. Let's get unified. The sky will open. The light will come down. Celestial choirs will be singing and everyone will know we should do the right thing and the world will be perfect (Rhode Island event, Feb. 24).
OBAMA: Sounds good (Cleveland debate, Feb. 26).
BAER: Uh, thanks. I guess. *
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