Stu Bykofsky: Barbie & me: From minx to inks . . . totally

BECAUSE I enjoyed a brief, if platonic, relationship with Barbie - the Mattel-made cougar who turned 50 on Monday - I am compelled to comment on her latest trick, "Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie."

Always over-coiffed - and now inked?

Totally fabulous!

Over five decades, the semiflexible, multifaceted American icon has gone through more changes than Oprah's dress size.

For a time in the '60s, I was with Toys & Novelties, a trade magazine covering the toy industry. Every day we were paid to play with toys, make jokes and try out board games. It was the closest I ever got to being a sportswriter.

One day I was assigned to write about two fan clubs - the one for Barbie and the one for G.I. Joe (not a doll, but an "action figure.")

I interviewed executives at manufacturers Mattel and Hasbro, plus fan-club leaders, and then ordered a ton of Barbie and G.I. Joe dolls (oops) for a two-page picture spread.

I shamefully confess to being the moving spirit behind soft-core photos (not used for publication) depicting G.I. Joe and Barbie in sexual poses while another Joe held Ken at bayonet point. (During that shoot we discovered that Barbie and Joe were - how do I say this? - identically neutered below the belt line.)

Shortly after Barbie hit the market, my boss, a mischievous but cerebral editor named Michael Spielman, took calipers to Barbie's body and determined that her picnic hamper had a few more sandwiches than Dolly Parton's.

So, Barbie's first controversy was about her being more top-heavy than a Russian female discus thrower.

Then, Barbie was "too sexy." I read that one farm boy had bought a Barbie for his own "entertainment" and that his cows were thankful finally to be left alone.

Then Barbie was accused of being mired in stereotypical female roles, even though she's had 108 careers, not all of them secretaries and strippers. Critics recently attacked the anorexic "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Barbie," who comes in Caucasian, African-American and Hispanic, all with legs that look like PVC pipes.

So Barbie is no stranger to controversy and the inked-up minx - which allows kids to apply and remove tats - is just one more. Included is a tattoo gun that little girls (and too-precious little boys) can use on themselves.

My first reaction to this was negative. Are tattoos yet another questionable idea we need to inflict on our kids? What's next - make-believe nipple piercings?

Then I remembered "cockamamies."

That's what we kids called temporary tattoos we'd moisten and apply many years ago. So there's nothing new about fake tats (and I'm supercareful to not make a typo here).

Like Facebook, tattoos were once cool, but that's fading like a Coppertone tan. How cool can hipsters' ink sleeves be when menopausal Barbie looks like an Etch A Sketch?

Since "Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie" is selling well, count on Mattel marketing mavens to roll out more cutting-edge Barbies:

"Cokehead Barbie": For girls fantasizing about a career in the "high-fashion" industry, or in a "high-class" brothel. Almost the same thing. (Teeny silver spoon sold separately.)

"College-Loan-Default Barbie": You went to college and can't find a job? She's for you.

"Subprime Barbie": Bank forecloses on her Malibu beach house. (Barbie Cardboard Condo sold separately.)

"Multiple-Birth Barbie": Careers are bor-ring. Have a BIG family and the state will support you. (Ken doll hiding behind tree sold separately.)

"Sleep-Deprived Barbie": Packaged with "Multiple-Birth Barbie."

Make it fun to be a little girl again! *

E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. For recent columns:

http://go.philly.com/byko.